User
31
Mar
My Sweet Lover,
For the last several days I have spent a lot of time going back over how we met, how we fell in love…asking questions of myself…marvelling at all we have done and become. I look back at it almost feeling afraid that we hesitated so long…I was SO afraid…and I know you were too, but for different reasons. I think maybe you saw things so much more clearly than I did, or than I would allow myself…and I wonder if even now it remains the same. I can still remember every one of those first moments…the way I felt…how badly I wanted you….how much I needed you…all the things I wanted to say and was simply too afraid.
I am SO grateful that we did not let that fear stop us…in fact I even wonder if we COULD have stopped it. Our love has always seemed to have a mind of its‘ own….kind of like someone I know! It has seemed to take us and carry us to places that we never meant to go. I have always hated it when people say a person has no control over who they love, I always felt like that was a bunch of bull…and now…I don’t know. I am not sure that I could have NOT loved you….but I DO know…that I will NEVER NOT love you again.
I remember the day that you made me look at my feelings for you that I KNEW that I was ready to love you….to admit it…and to let it take me…where ever it would lead. Even though I tried to deny it the next day….it was just a feeble attempt to retreat….it did not last long…in fact, the next time I saw you…I knew….that this love was GOING TO HAPPEN…..I was ready to be yours…I was ready to sacrifice all…I was ready to be what you needed…I was ready to learn…I was ready for love!
“Ready For Love” by India Arie
I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me
I’d quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity
I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace
Lately I’ve been thinking
Maybe you’re not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for
Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I’ll say the same thing
I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won’t complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here
If you give me half a chance
I’ll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true
To a man who loves music
A man who loves art
Respect’s the spirit world
And thinks with his heart
I am ready for love
If you’ll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can
I am ready for love
Here with an offering of
My voice
My Eyes
My soul
My mind
Tell me what is enough
To prove I am ready for love
I am ready
30
Mar
My Darling Husband,
I have noticed a difference in the way you speak to me lately. I must admit, it is a difference I like. You may not even notice, although I doubt that somehow…it is SO seldom that you don’t plan and MEAN every single word that you utter.
For so long, I had felt unwanted, un-needed, uncared for…you changed all that. It was something that you did not necessarily say…you showed me…you MADE me believe you. I learned that your love was deep and your word was gold, your intentions true. I have been able to bask in those things and I often think back to the love and security I felt as a child. I was able to be me and knew I was loved by those responsible for me. It was an environment that protected me and allowed me to grow and flourish. I feel that same environment now. And feel like I am finally allowed to breath, grow and be me…AND still be loved.
As I was remembering our time together today (and yes, your words play over and over in my mind until they are replaced with new ones at our next meeting) I was trying to put a name on the way your words made me feel. It is something that perhaps some women would not like. They would not want it. They might feel constrained by it. It is one of the most GLORIOUS feelings in the word to me. I have waited my whole life for it…I knew it was coming…I just did not know by whom I would be “claimed”. Yes…that’s it…I feel CLAIMED!!!…like I have been lost…and the one to whom I rightfully belonged has come to claim me. Does that make me owned? I hope so! Do those words frighten me? Not at all! I have WAITED for that! For those who raise their eyebrows at such thoughts…I simply say you don’t understand it at ALL. It does NOT mean you are told what to do…it does NOT mean you are controlled…it does NOT mean you are not allowed to be who you are…quite on the contrary. ALL of those things I HAVE experienced in RL…and let me tell you…I was ANYTHING but claimed. NO…it gives you the freedom to DO all those things!
Being claimed is the most secure feeling in the world. It is what I have waited for…It is the feeling that you KNOW someone is coming for you….and FINALLY they have! And that with that claim, comes the protection and love and caring that a parent has for their newborn, the adoration that few will ever experience, the kind of love that will let you grow without fear…the kind of love that will NEVER intentionally hurt you…the kind that builds you up and never tears you down….you will NEVER feel more free! It IS the kind of love that every woman *I* know wants and seeks, she just gets all hung up on semantics.
So…please love, claim me!
CLAIM
–verb (used with object) (You notice that it is a verb…which means that it is something you DO…it is not just something that is said…it requires action. and it is used with an object…and while most women HATE that word, I will gladly be your object as long as it is one that is always claimed!)
1.
to demand by or as by virtue of a right; demand as a right or as due: to claim an estate by inheritance. (Yes…you do have the RIGHT to do it. I was meant to be yours from the beginning of time. For the first time in my life I feel like the right person has finally asserted his “right” to ME…I have been waiting for you, love!)
2.
to assert and demand the recognition of (a right, title, possession, etc.); assert one’s right to: to claim payment for services. (I sometimes think this was hard for you for a while…you are so careful to give every person their freedoms and rights and never try to assert you ways or thoughts on anyone else. I think it took you a while to understand that this was ok. But when you DID finally see it, you held on…and decided that no one else would ever have what was rightfully yours again! You understood that NO ONE else could love me like you can!)
3.
to assert or maintain as a fact: She claimed that he was telling the truth. (It IS a fact. All you needed was to recognize it. And now that you KNOW it, you have no problem in allowing it to be. The thoughts or cares of others have no place. You KNOW it as a fact…and claim it is SO. I AM yours.)
4.
to require as due or fitting: to claim respect. (It IS WAY over due…and is SO fitting. You know it…and now…you have no problem asserting it.)
Thank you love….I have waited for it for SO long…you will never know what it means to me! I LOVE YOU!
Forever YOURS…D
29
Mar
My wonderful husband,
As I read over this AGAIN…it amazed me how much I STILL do the same things. Some days I feel like I have made so much progress and other days not so much. Here I am all this time later and still asking…what if? What if? I was SO afraid then….and everything turned out SO beautifully…when am I ever going to learn? So I still try to hide behind walls, masks and mirrors… and I STILL cannot think about it very long at a time…but I will try. I will try to dream WITH you love and not against you. You made me think today about how frustrating it must be. There are so many people that will never see your dreams…and here…I can see them, but am afraid to dream them with you. You are right…it CAN paralyze….and I don’t want to do that. I am not quite sure HOW to stop these habits….I have had them for so long…but at least I can see the pattern now…and I pray…that I can learn how to dream again….how to dream WITH you, love.
Forever your wife…D
[2009/08/23 17:53] El: Ok… so… here it is… you want me to be frank right?
V: Right.
El: Are you sure?
V: I am.
El: Yes… I feel the “connection”… I love it…I need it… I want it… but what if… what if???
El: What if I CAN’T be what you need… I can only be this… and what if this is not enough? What if I let myself LOVE you… and then what? I can’t be here for you.
V: Ellie? Don’t hide. Goddammit. Don’t you think I know that? Don’t you think I have been thinking that myself?
El: I must go dear V… To be continued…
V: Okay.
El blows V a kiss.
===================================================================================== [2009/08/24 9:24] El: TY for your kindess and understanding yesterday….it means a lot. I know I can be hard to understand…and to get along with at times…I am sorry…but you were great…and I really appreciate the fact that you cared and did not LET me stay sad….:) I still feel bad about it..but I think I am beginning to understand the dynamics of it all a little better. I am sorry I had to leave suddenly…but you know that is how it is with me…and ALWAYS will be. I know it is frustrating…it is for me too…and I would not blame you ONE BIT…if it was more than you could handle. I will tell you…..I am terrified of the things that I started to share with you yesterday…and there is part of me that wants to say….”Can’t we just forget that it ever happened?” and pretend..that it was just another day? But I think I know you well enough to know that you will not let that happen. Promise me…that no matter what….we will always be friends….please? =====================================================================================
[2009/08/24 10:57] El: I bet you would be cute in a loincloth
V: I bet I won’t give you opportunity to find out.
El: hahahahahahahahaha… Oh come on… I would wear wings!
V: Yeah. Forget it.
El: Fine… I will wear it then!
V: Mmh.
El: You know how “dangerous” I am!
V: Oh, Ellie. You are.
El: hahahaha… whatever… silly boy!
V: Nah, nothing “whatever” And I’m not silly.
El: You are! I LIKE being dangerous and you know it.
V: Yes, I know that.
El: Not always… just sometimes.
V: Sure, moods change.
El: Well…it’s kinda hard to get a reaction out of you sometimes… I have to work hard at it!
V: Mmh. What kind of reaction?
El: ……hahaha
V smiles. What good would it do?
El: It would be fun!
V: For whom?
El: ME!
V: Yes.
El: I would at least like to know I accomplished my goal!
V: Your goal is to make me drool?
El: Maybe… Since I have never seen you do it????
V: And you won’t.
El pouts. Then how will I ever know that I have intrigued you?
V: The question is rather: Why should I drool at something unattainable?
El: Because you can?????
V: Yeah, anyone can drool.
El: Why put violins on ice? Or bells in rooms?
V: Because they’re challenging there.
El: Am I not challenging?
V: Now this discussion is taking weird turns.
El: Isn’t that what you like?
V: Actually you’re comparing apples and… elephants
V: I’m an elephant now huh? wow!
V: Would you rather be the apple?
El: You really know how to make a girl feel good! First you REFUSE to drool… and then I am an elephant! At least you can EAT an apple… It is red and shiny….
V: Now listen, Miss Intriguing. You know I like you, and you know you intrigue the hell out of me. But at the same time, you know we can’t be anything more than we are now. So any drooling, any pining, any intrigue only causes… frustration.
El: Should I stop then?
V: I just don’t see the point.
El: ………… because it makes me feel good???
V: And then?
El: At least it’s nice to know that you are desired!
V: Oh, you are. But what good does it to us?
El blushes as she reaches over to touch his face.
El: What am I gonna do with you dear V???
V: Ellie, in a different life, we would prolly be fiery comets blazing into each other.
El: You think?
V: I know.
El: hmmm… sounds like fun!
V: It does.
El: hahaha… question.
V: Mh.
El: If you knew this then why would you MAKE me admit the way I really feel?
V: Because you needed that.
El: But now I feel exposed and vulnerable.
V: Yes, isn’t that good? It’s a far cry from hiding behind walls, masks and mirrors.
El: But when I am behind my wall… I can comfort myself!
V: You’re dead behind your wall.
El: Who will do it now?
V smiles…. caresses your arm gently.
El lowers arm… I’m scared!
V: Yes. We are friends, Ellie. Don’t forget that. Whatever happens, we will be friends.
El: Promise?
V: Promise.
El sheds a tear.
V: I have no clue if we can be anything else. The way I see it, your RL and our time difference prevents it. Those are boundaries that define our SL.
El: ok.
V: Am I right?
El: ………. lifts her head
V: Ellie, I don’t know it. I’m just guessing.
El: ok… so……enough of that…I cannot bear to look at it for too long at a time…..
V smiles. Okay.
28
Mar
The cold snow fell upon her gold locks, melting as it touched them, her golden shoes leaving little trails in the snow. Mostly they patterned a bigger footprint, walking by the side of it, at times falling into it. The music was loud as people danced around the brightly lit fire and the smell of roasting meat wafted through the air. His hand was warm as it held hers, making her feel safe and secure. All manor of people and creatures had attended the event and she smiled as she watched the drummers prance around on the stage. In the background she could see their friend merrily frolicking in a circle, laughing as her burgandy gown flowed to and fro patterning her figure. She waved from a distance as V and El made their way to a secluded corner. The huge bolders blocked the cold wind from disrupting their fun, but El could still see her breath at times as she spoke. Her long white gown seemed to blend into her surroundings, the gold trim glowing in the firelight and she felt quite like a princess as she looked up at her prince. His eyes shown like fire and out of all the figures in the room, he was the only one to bear such a regal semblance, his long white frock swaying with him as he walked. She knew he must be tired, he had been up for so long with such little sleep…and yet he made a special effort to be here with her…and she knew he had done it out of his deep love for her. She watched his hair blow gently in the breeze and wondered if he REALLY knew how much she loved him, how MUCH he had changed her life. She was SO proud to be with him, as she looked around the room and thought to herself that not one other male there could rival him. He was true royalty….and she felt so honored to just be in his presence. Or course, she could NEVER tell him that, he would just look at her with that look of correction and go on and on about how that he was nothing special and that it was SHE who had made him a prince, but she knew better. She grabbed his hand and gently brought it to her mouth, kissing it tenderly. The grounds were large with many beautiful sites to see, but all she really wanted to do was be with him. So as the bagpipes played and the drums beat, they sought a quiet little corner to bask in each others presence. It seemed that was all that really mattered anymore, just to be some place where she could see him, hold him and talk to him. Their conversation was always fun and insightful and he made her laugh SO hard, without even really trying. She watched him as he spoke to her, at times her mind drifting off to his soft voice and even softer lips. It seemed as though the mere thought of him drove her wild…and the sight of him…well…it was often more than she could bear. He reached over placing his arms around her and pulled her close to him, gently kissing her on the cheek. She wondered if the people around her could see how much she loved him, surely she must be glowing? When all the music was done and they had said their good byes, they quickly headed to their home for a few moments alone together. He walked over to the sofa, falling back on it, opening his arms for her to come to him. It was TRULY her favorite place, in his arms. She knew she was safe there, and nothing and no one could touch her or harm her. She softly reached up and caressed his face as she felt his hands unzip her gown. She slipped out of the soft white fabric, lying back down in his warm embrace, naked and vulnerable before him. She felt his hands gently run back and forth over her skin, his kisses becoming more and more passionate, her head falling back, her eyes closed as he gently made love to her. She heard his soft breathing in her ear as she felt him fall off into a sweet slumber, his words echoing in her head:
[2010/03/27 3:54] Vanish Firecaster: And I meant what I said. I will NOT let you hide. As much as I love you ***, in this I will have my way with you.
He was right…it did scare her to death…and at the same time she DID like it. And then, just as she always did, she closed her eyes….and dismissed it all as a dream, a beautiful, wonderful, dream. Only her friend TIME would tell if she was lying to herself.
I really wanted to write about all of the above. (I’ll explain the Reggae Mice bit, bear with me.) The point is, as much as I want to write a really good, thoroughly profound and enlightening post on all of these topics, I always end up reading pages after pages of blogposts (including comments – no, I didn’t have my head checked yet, thank you very much) forum topics and meeting chat logs, which leave me with a clear opinion about the topic on one hand, and the inability to wrap it up in less words than the original blogposts (including comments), forum topics and chat logs it came from in the first place.
Take Griefers. Griefing is at best a sub-genre of Trolling, or simply the same phenomenon on a different platform. I always thought anyone with more than 2 months of internet experience would be familiar with it (trolling, I mean) and would, after another 2 months, have found out about the only viable way to deal with it. Therefor, I was astonished to learn that people, who have been around for a while, in fact never heard the term ‘Troll’ at all, and that griefers could cause an uproar with very simple and childish means, that would actually be a minor annoyance, if dealt with correctly.
The incident was to hang around in the OSGrid IRC channel when one day reports came in of a ‘griefing’ at LBSA plaza, which actually was ‘making’ all agents present ‘point’ at a specific target and a following crash of the sim.1 Regardless if it was a griefer attack or not, I was surprised how people freaked out about it. If everyone would’ve remained calm, restarting LBSA and relogging would have been the only disruption (which happens without griefing attacks regularly anyway) and 5 minutes later nobody would remember it anymore. But with the outcry people started, it turned into an hour-long discussion, and gave the griefer (if it was a griefer attack at all) exactly what they wanted in the first place: Attention.
At this point, I would’ve liked to point to a wonderful interview between an OSGrid user and her uncle, who is a psychiatrist, about the topic of griefing. The whole interview can be found at the OSGrid forum and, as it is published under a CC 3.0 attribution license, is reprinted below. In short, it states that griefers are, just like any other troll, craving attention, and the best solution for an average user was to ignore them (big surprise there). For a service provider, however, it is quite important to take action against trolls, as Paul Graham pointed out in one of his brilliant essays. Not only, because griefers can do damage through DoS attacks, but also because they can degrade the general usefulness and niveau of your service by driving away the intelligent people.
This is no small feat in SL, however, as griefing is a passing phenomenon that leaves little trace – which is both a blessing and a curse, as it makes it easier to ignore, and also harder to identify. It would require to have moderators and staff online at all times and in all places (something LL will never be able to cover), or give parcel/estate owners the powers to deal with all these issues themselves without having to submit tickets and abuse reports.
However, fast forward to driving away the intelligent people. After the openspace fiasko, after closing down the mentor program, after taking the fun out of making freebies for Xstreet, LL achieved yet another great kick in the balls of the community by their recent third party viewer policy. Even after having been revised, as the first version had significant flaws, it still caused several viewer developers to abandon their projects or drop support of the second life platform.
Enter reggae mice. I have been (and still am) performing on the Burning Life Spring Fling festival, which features two stages, one for live performers (such as myself) and one for DJs. Now, I read too many profiles, and today I found this one profile of a DJ who states DJs are ‘artists’ and that only those who are able to match beats of tracks and don’t talk over them are real DJs, whereas the others are <quote>’Train Wrecks’<unquote>. Now this takes me straight to the gist of what I really really dislike about the general population of Second Life.
There are too many people with attitudes there, who do not only show them in their general demeanour, but also carry them around on a sign attached to their foreheads by rambling on and on about it in their profiles. I am sorry people do have miserable lives, and I’m sorry that some people are upset about something, and yes, it’s nobody’s fault but my own if I read these profiles in the first place, but still… is it neccessary to appear termagant at all times by writing irate rants in your public profile? Maybe I’m peculiar, but the first impression I get from that is that the person in question will give me trouble. It doesn’t really help if most people finish with a disclaimer, stating they are ‘not really as hard to get along with as it sounds’ when they didn’t show anything but their exceptional talent for spite.
If I’d carry on about other performers as the particular DJ was carrying on about their fellows, then everyone who doesn’t follow my own shining example of acoustic guitar playing and instead resorts to be, say, a reggae-playing furry mouse is no ‘real’ performer? Not only Wikipedia would disagree. And yes, I do consider myself an occasional DJ, just because I can play a handpicked assortment of tunes with voiceover announcements. But then, I do not aim to make any kind of artform out of this, I’m just having fun.
Repost of “Are griefers mentally ill? What a Psychiatrist has to say!”
Axaes: First of all thank you so much Maximilian for taking your limited time and help me out with my silly little project.
Maximilian: Well, this is not at all silly, antisocial behavior has some serious issues underneath, besides, everyone is scared of psychiatrists so we don’t get to be interviewed that frequently (smiles). I also enjoy that I’m not the only one in our clan who has an interest in human behavior, apparently.
Axaes: When I, as a preparation for this interview explained to you how Virtual Worlds function and so on, you referred to these kids as “attention gamers”. What do you mean by that?
Maximilian: It’s not necessary to refer to them as kids. While many of them are probably around 15, the onset of puberty, others are likely above 18 and hence have the legal status of adults in many countries. Attention gaming because everything they do is aimed to attract attention to themselves, negative attention.
Axaes: Before we talk about negative attention, I want to know what the importance of attention is in general.
Maximilian: As social animals humans rely on paying attention to be able to communicate and to function as a group. Without attention it wouldn’t make any sense for you to have this interview with me, because we’d be like trees, not having evolved to be able to communicate. But the willful act of attracting attention for oneself is part of sexuality in a broader sense and spreading your genes.
Axaes: Excuse me?
Maximilian: Yes, by “accumulating” more attention than others of same group normally receives in a competitive environment, the attention requester tries to enhance his own social status above the other and therefore increases his chances to mate. Advertising yourself is an essential part of mating behavior, everyone does it either consciously or instinctively. It’s not only men traditionally who work hard to achieve both respect and money, women too add things to the basic frame so to say in order to enhance what they’ve got. Make up is the Porsche of women for example. Of course these days things shift, women strive to own Porsche, or solar panels as well, and men are an important factor in the cosmetic industry, but at the core of things the behavior stays the same. More attention towards you increases your status. We live in an attention economy. With the complexification of society, this is not only true for spreading your own genes, status itself has become a fetish, people want to be powerful and influential just by spreading their ideas and concepts. It’s part of culture. Culture can be referred to as the sex of concepts.
Axaes: Wow. I should interview you more often (grinning). So we are all little attention whores in a way and this is completely normal.
Maximilian: I wouldn’t have used the word whore, as some people may be offended being associated with prostitution, rightfully or wrongfully offended is not part of this interview, but yes. It is perfectly normal.
Axaes: What about negative attention though? People who attract negative attention to themselves?
Maximilian: That’s where the problems begin. Harassment is a violent form of trying to do the same thing that normal people do, which is to increase ones status above the other, but not by the factor appreciation, but the factor fear. Therefore it can never be an elegant or skillful way to adding value to yourself. Putting others down, annoying them or even harming others emotionally or physically is the most primitive attempt to rise above them, no matter what level of technical skill is used to achieve this. It finds only legit expression in sports, boxing for example or wherever there are two willing parties. If one one party isn’t willing, it’s perverse.
Axaes: Why would someone resort seeking to attract negative attention by being a Bully?
Maximilian: Well sometimes, negative attention is only a means to something else. If an affected person, I say affected because Bullies are themselves their own first victim, a victim of their mindset because that mindset seals them off from Real Life of course, appreciation, kindness, warmth and love. It’s funny griefers would accuse users of Virtual Worlds of wasting their Real Life when that mindset is doing exactly that. If such an affected person has a low self-esteem or depression, which is typical for antisocial behavior, he suffers from a chronic stress level. Now, normally, criticizing someone is a positive way to harass someone, so to say, and is directly linked to the reward center of the brain. We’ve evolved to benefit from critique as a group, so criticizing others gives us a little tickle of feeling good. When we criticize someone, we usually think that we’ve done something good because the reward center automatically links this with the vague feeling of good, which releases happy hormones into the blood. I’m oversimplifying here, in keeping with your audience. But if someone generally feels bad, has low self-esteem or is suffering from depression, criticizing others can be perverted into something which the Bully must do to feel better.
Axaes: Griefing is an addiction?
Maximilian: Most certainly, yes. It has all the mechanisms, just that it is directed towards others and not towards oneself. Using drugs like alcohol or heroin is another method “to feel better”, at least temporally, but anything really which is done to reduce the chronic stress level can become a full blown addiction. The reward center is in a very old part of our brain, and few are willing to admit that the old part of the brain reigns supreme _through_ many areas of consciousness. The affected must always do new attacks, because the release and joy from one attack doesn’t last very long of course, the pressure is building up after a while again, and just like a heroin addict a griefer will always look for the next shot. Not only that, the shots have to be given in higher doses and faster frequency. It’s also linked to testosterone, especially males often create or externalize stress as a mechanism to control and dominate a group. And if we have no group to control and dominate, we look for one. It’s pretty much stone age stuff we’re dealing with here, possibly even more primitive.
Axaes: Very interesting. But why would a griefer choose the route of negative attention in the first place? Some of them express artistic skills and it often takes some detailed technical understanding to launch attacks in technical environments.
Maximilian: Most likely a lack of warmth and positive attention as younger children. Children must have positive attention, not too much and not too little, if they don’t get it, that greatly damages them and they do not know positive attention exists, yet they feel they must have some form of attention. Often the only attention they’ve learned about was negative attention, or no attention and this then is repeated in a looping pattern of behavior. To be emotionally neglected as a child is very traumatizing for the child, it can fix behavior in very negative means for a very long time, sometimes for life. But initially the child is very neutral, it tries out different things and of course, crying will most often get an adult to be attentive. Griefing can be seen as a form of crying for attention quite literally, it’s a direct extension of a very basic human survival strategy. As with many pathologies, something got broken in the young years of the person.
Axaes: And when you say the dose has to be increased, can griefers become dangerous?
Maximilian: Posting pictures as extreme as mutilations is a very shrill warning sign that someone is about to derail completely. The images you’ve showed me are so drastic of nature that I would be very concerned if I was living with someone who published this. It has strongly sadistic elements of reasoning, and really anything can be expected from such a person.
Axaes: Stalking, serial killing?
Maximilian: One has to be careful with such assessments, however, serial killing is just on the wide other end of griefing which starts with mild harassment on the light side. It’s wise though for society to keep an eye on a griefer.
Axaes: So would someone who posts pictures of mutilations need therapy? I’ve showed pictures of mutilated animals in demonstrations for animal rights…
Maximilian: Motivation and context matters. Someone who protests against such mutilations showing such images to the people on the street, who are responsible for them follows a healthy motive. Someone who just harasses people to attract negative attention for himself in order to feed an emotional addiction, and all addictions are emotional, is not a very healthy motive. But I would say that actually everyone who griefs needs therapy, not only the most extreme griefers. These “children” need to learn that there are other ways of crying then crying, a knowledge they are lacking.
Axaes: I want to talk to you about the black theme the Patriotic Nigras use, what is behind this, given that very few of them are likely actually African Americans.
Maximilian: Well, first of all it’s a very interesting phenomenon, from my perspective as a psychiatrist, that griefers would form groups and attempt to dress the group with a cultural decoration. It’s a consequence of the internet I think, although protest subcultures are a very normal aspect of growing up and forming your identity.
Griefers know of course that they are behaving ethically wrong, so by appropriating and colonizing the Black fight for civil liberties in the U.S., they want to place themselves into a victim position of oppression and use this as a moral justification for griefing. Ironically this is a projection, as they are actually oppressed, the neglect or abuse they experienced as children or are still experiencing is synonymous with the neglect and and abuse African Americans have and are experiencing with the general population in hostile environments. But imagine how absurd it was if Black Americans tried to justify harassment by the experience of oppression. Civil disobedience is something other from harassing others. That is why Rosa Parks sat in the front of the bus, she didn’t start putting broken glass on the seats for Whites and found that funny. Or Rap and HipHop evolved as a cultural protest answer to glorify the lifestyle of young Black men mainly. This enriched human culture, griefing soils human culture.
Axaes: Patriotic Nigras accuse Furries of being fetishists and call them furfags, is that another irony then considering they themselves are putting on a Black dress?
Maximilian: Very well observed! (smiles) Yes, this is a classic projection. The Patriotic Nigras are of course using the Black outfit so to say for their self-stimulation of griefing, this is the essence of paraphilia. In fact, the Patriotic Nigras are much more so actual fetishists than the Furries, because the Furries are engaging in healthy experiments with role play, nothing can be said against that.
Axaes: What about the furry-hatred itself. I’ve made satirical remarks on it in a comic, some people believed I was furry-bashing but then there is no guarantee that people get satire. What is behind people who actually hate Furries?
Maximilian: This is a little awkward for me to address because I’m not involved in Virtual Worlds, I always have to think around the corner so to say. Furries for me initially are images on a computer screen, like the one of an adorable mouse avatar you sent me. However, conceptually, people with low self-esteem and social status often seek out someone who is different from their own group to put them down to enhance their own selves. This is just griefing all over again. Discrimination is griefing, it’s no surprise that a group of griefers would identify a group and employ racist methods of exclusion and outcasting. This is fairly random. If there were no Furries in virtual worlds, then female characters would be derided or any other avatar group. Since people who do harass others have no knowledge of how to positively enhance their view of themselves, they resort to putting others below themselves. They are not building a box to stand on to be taller, they are digging holes for others so they can self-delude that they are higher. The jury is still out whether aggressive flashing of things society deems positive, like wealth is also a form of griefing if the audience of that message is not wealthy, and we’re all audiences these days. But that is another issue.
Axaes: So given all you said, it would not be an insult to call a Patriotic Nigra or any other griefer an obsessive, delusional, fetishistic sadist who is acting out some childhood traumata?
Maximilian: No, not really. The question would be why frame it like that? It would be much more efficient to make sure the griefers read this interview for example, therefore being confronted with a little more reasoning around such symbolistic definitions. They clearly have problems, some of them more so than others, but they deserve a golden shot of truth about their own psychological dynamics, so they can consciously decide what to do about it. Some of them would instantly feel ashamed for recognizing themselves in this text, of course, such “instant healings” are rare, most likely a griefer reading this interview would react with denial or even accusing you of dreaming up this interview, questioning my existence.
Axaes: When the time comes, will you step forward and defend me against such discrediting attempts?
Maximilian: No, because it really is irrelevant, you can safely ignore all attempts to question you and your credibility, giving your history of teasing people both in our family and on the internet you don’t have much credibility to begin with. I’m just kidding. Your person is not the important factor, what’s more important is what is being said and to reach out to both the griefers and their victims. Of course griefers will respond with emotional shock being taken seriously for the first time perhaps, and then to have their motives exposed in such a manner. But, everything we learn changes our neurology forever the moment we learn it. No denial is so strong that the seed of doubt about what you’re doing can be repressed indefinitely. It’s there and it will grow. And for some faster then for others, the fun part of griefing will start fading away because the impulses behind it have been exposed as primitive reflexes. Once the glory is dead, it fails to do its actual job: interrupting the inner misery which leads to griefing.
Axaes: Is there an estimate on the outlook for the general griefer? Who are they anyway.
Maximilian: From what I know I think it’s save to speculate that the average griefer is between 15 and 25 years old, male, white, not very popular if not lonely, of low income household, and no way or knowledge to express the talents that are there, if any. A griefer will lead a very average, unassuming life, withdrawn, will have difficulty establishing healthy relationships both professionally and personally. Some will get a grip, some will get worse, but many will basically drown in their isolation, fatally thinking griefing is doing something, when really it’s just self-sustaining, addictive loop which sucks off energy that could be invested much better.
Axaes: Yes, uncle, us non-academic folks just call that a loser. Until they, well, grow up or get a grip, what should be done?
Maximilian: The internet is not a legal vacuum, it’s not OK to abuse your freedom by abusing others, so in some cases it will be necessary to inform the authorities, collect evidence, some griefers will use the gathered knowledge of concealing their identity to wander off into criminal activities, become phishers and spammers, so this an environment where preventative measures can be taken, even eventually infiltrate their groups by police or computer experts working for police. For operators of Virtual Worlds this is all just very good practice in fine tuning their security skills, the griefers are helping them to increase these skills with each attack. Schools charge a lot of money do teach you that. Users of so called “grids” should be enabled to have an easy back up ability as a standard procedure if they don’t have administrative access to the servers. Otherwise ignore the griefers like a rainy day. You can use a rainy day by either staring outside and hating the weather, or you can grab a nice book and enjoy yourself. If you walk away from a griefer _you_ score, and in terms of vandalism you employ the technical tools you have to prevent it. Without attention, a griefer will shrivel and die, you should only give them attention if you find it amusing to have them around, making them your Clowns.
Axaes: Who wants to have Clowns this boring?
Maximilian: Well griefers don’t know they are boring, they think of themselves as witty stars, it’s the narcissistic rush which comes with the act, that moment of greatness and dominance that is so essential, especially to the young male. Out of kindness, it would be OK to not let them know that they are, as you say boring Clowns.
Axaes: Well, sometimes truth is more important than kindness. My plan was to transfer this interview into writing as it was spoken, and I want to thank you very much for taking the time to explain to us, some of the motives and personalities behind griefing.
Maximilian: Nothing to thank me for, it was very interesting for me as well, I now know what Furries are. (laughs)
Axaes: Just out of curiosity, how much would it have cost to have you evaluate the issue as an expert?
Maximilian: Roughly 2000 to 3500 Euro, depending who contracts (smiles).
Axaes: Nice.
Maximilian: Well, I heard you know some Linux?
Axaes: ohoh
–
This text has following copyleft: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ and was originally posted by OSGrid user Axaes Xandal on http://www.osgrid.org/forums/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=183&start=0
- While this exploit is familiar from SL as it’s one of the griefing tools provided by the Neillife Viewer, it is uncertain if it really was a griefing attack or simply a malfunction of server software. [↩]
27
Mar
My Precious Husband,
It was such a treat for me to be able to hear you today. When I think back, I remember thinking how much it would mean to me just to be able to HEAR your voice….and I never knew if that would ever happen, but I remember thinking how wonderful it would be…and then I did! You sang and I was able to HEAR you… I cried! I thought it was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. And when you recorded it…I listened to it over and over…always paying special attention to the speaking parts. And I remember thinking…“If I could just hear that voice in real life…hear it SAY that it loved me…hear it speak my name….my life would be complete.“ And I knew that we had talked about it…and I understood your concerns…and I listened, and would never push, but I remember just LONGING to hear it…and then it happened. And I did….and I was terrified! I was SO scared to talk to you! Here I was FINALLY going to get the one thing I had dreamed of, but I was terrified. What is funny, is that I can’t even tell you what I was afraid of! I remembered all the things you had said about it…and I never wanted to lose the special way we were together….and I guess I WAS afraid that it would somehow diminish what we had….but it only made it better! And now I hear you ALL the time…anytime we want. Each time a special treat for me!
Today….as I watched you on the stage…and heard your beautiful voice….my thoughts had to drift further still. As we look forward to OUR future…and the realization comes to me, that someday, in the not TOO distant future, I will watch those lips as that voice comes from them. I will FEEL your breath against my neck as I hear them speak my name. I will watch your fingers as they strum your guitar and be able to have a “special“ concert anytime I please! And I feel the same way I have everytime we have forged forward…afraid…and yet knowing, that it is the way it has always been meant to be, a final ending to the great loneness.
And so my sweet “on turner“….may all our dreams come true…may all our realities be good ones…may TIME be good to us…and may that voice be the last voice my ears ever hear.
Forever…your personal…:)…slave….D
26
Mar
2010/03/25 2:51] Vanish Firecaster: Back then… I was afraid, because I could see this coming… and I was not sure if we could make it… I was afraid you couldn’t be with me because of your ‘situation’… and that we wouldn’t be able to make it.
El Firecaster: And so… If I had asked you THEN….what would you have told me?
Vanish Firecaster: I would’ve told you I’m afraid we can’t be together.
El Firecaster: I’m glad I didn’t ask. I didn’t want to see that possibility.
Vanish Firecaster holds her tight.
El Firecaster: I did not know WHERE it would lead….and at that point…I could not imagine THIS….I just needed to take it one step at a time.
Vanish Firecaster: Yes. But I also didn’t know you WANTED to.
El Firecaster: Well….I couldn’t TELL you that!
El Firecaster giggles.
Vanish Firecaster: Hmmmm. Always playing safe, are we?
El Firecaster laughs.
El Firecaster: Me? Hey… if you look CLOSLEY…*I* was the FIRST one to kiss YOU! It was on the cheek…but it was STILL a kiss!
Vanish Firecaster: Hmmm.
El Firecaster: STOP reading! I KNOW you are!
Vanish Firecaster: Tssss. On the cheek!
El Firecaster: STILL a kiss! ME FIRST!
Vanish Firecaster: Yeah, thank you very much.
El Firecaster holds out her hand for a point!
Vanish Firecaster: STILL playing safe there!
Vanish Firecaster hands her a point.
El Firecaster: What would you have done if I had laid a BIG one on you? Smack dab in the middle of *******!
Vanish Firecaster: Hmmm. I don’t know. I have no clue.
El Firecaster: You would have RUN!
Vanish Firecaster: Hmm… Would I?
El Firecaster nods.
El Firecaster: Either that…or attacked me…one or the other?
El Firecaster giggles.
Vanish Firecaster: Tsss. No.
El Firecaster: No?
Vanish Firecaster: No. I don’t run. And I don’t attack either.
El Firecaster: ooOOOHHhhhh… TOUGH guy!
Vanish Firecaster laughs… slaps her butt.
El Firecaster: So you just would have stood there? That would have been worse! Then *I* would have run!
Vanish Firecaster: No, I would have kissed you, of course.
El Firecaster: uh huh…
Vanish Firecaster: However, I would first have asked you if you really wanted that.
El Firecaster giggles… Oh YES! We must be introspective at a romantic moment!
Vanish Firecaster: Yes, of course.
El Firecaster: Then I would have asked YOU if YOU really wanted that!
Vanish Firecaster: Well, I did. If you would go with me, I would do anything.
El Firecaster: awwwww… El Firecaster kisses him.
El Firecaster: ANYTHING?
Vanish Firecaster: Yes, anything.
El Firecaster caresses his face softly.
El Firecaster: My sweet baby!
Thank you, my prince for loving me. You have always seemed to see things more clearly than I. Perhaps I have just not wanted to look at them for so long that I quit asking questions or seeing possibilities. I KNEW I loved you even before that first kiss, but I would not even LET myself look at what could be. I am SO grateful that you could see the big picture and that you loved me enough, even then, to not let me go. I am SO grateful that you seem to see things so clearly and seldom let your vision get clouded by other things. You are straight and steadfast and that means the world to me. I know I can count on you…my rock in a strong storm.
At that time, I remember feeling like I was standing on the edge of a precipice…looking over the cliff not knowing what was below. I was afraid the climb would be steep and scary. And wondered if I should even try it at all. But you showed me, that when you took me by the hand, we could take it one step at a time and you would steady me if I started to fall. You even showed me that we did not always have to climb, we could at times fly! I feel like we made it down some really steep slopes and had finally gotten to a resting place, taking time to catch our breath and replenish our resources. And now, yet again…here we are…looking over the edge….once more….I put my hand in yours and….Yes, love….I will go with you.
Forever your most beloved wife…D
25
Mar
This time of the month ALWAYS brings this memory back to me. I have had some WONDERFUL memories in my life…and as most people…some NOT so wonderful ones. But this one…sometimes I think my entire life was leading up to this one moment in time. We were both SO afraid, so unsure and at the same time never more sure of anything in our lives. I remember that after this moment, our lives were never the same….and while I have shared and will share many firsts with you…there is nothing quite like the first kiss….
May they NEVER end, my prince….D
[2009/08/24 12:07] El: No pose balls?
V smiles….No. I had the whole place full of them. In the past.
El: What happened?
V: I broke up.
El: Welllllll…. put yourself back together and put them back! I MUST have pose balls!
V: What for?
El giggles… fun!
V: They were all for couples anyway.
El: So??? I sit on those too… hahaha… You know I have to sit on all of them.
V: Mmh. Yes.
El throws a rock at V.
V catches it.
El: rrrrrrrrr.
V skids it over the water.
El: You better watch out! I hear there are falling boulders in here!
V: Mmh. Yes, I know. I made them.
El: No pose balls!! I am bummed!
V smiles.
El looks for pose balls.
El: The waterfall is lovely.
El: NO POSE BALLS!
V smiles.
El: I could at least wash my hair there!… geez
V: Mhhh. I don’t have a pose for that, I think.
El looks him in the eye… why so quiet?
V: Memories. Sorry.
El: I’m sorry, babe.
V smiles.
El: Shall we make new ones????
V: Poseballs?
El: AND memories
V smiles.
El reaches over and kisses V on the cheek.
V takes you gently in his arms.
El lingers in his embrace… whispers… it is gonna be ok.
V smiles. What is?
El: All of it. You… me…..the past….the future.
V smiles.
El can feel his heart beat.
V: I hope.
El whispers… Really…it will!
V: What about… the boundaries?
El: We will cross those one at a time. We have already, have we not?
V: We have. We just don’t admit it.
El smiles. I know… and I know you know.
V kisses you gently.
El kisses him back…ever so softly.
V pulls you tight against himself… feeling you warm and soft… holding you… pulling your head against his chest… caressing your hair… carefully.
El lays her head on his chest… kissing him once more before softly pulling away.
El takes his hand… come on!
————————————
El: whew…now I am dizzy!
V catches you before you faint.
El pretends to faint.
V laughs… holds you in his arms.
El: Pallas is watching you know?
V: Mmh. That’s another owl.
El: Pallas’s “friend”???
V: Maybe.
El: He is not as pretty as she is.
V: Mmh. But bigger.
El just stands close to feel his embrace.
V smiles…holds you tight against himself.
El gently sways side to side.
V smiles. I’m afraid, Ellie.
El carresses his face.
El: I know. I am too.
V: What are you afraid of?
El: That I am not good enough for you… can’t be enough for you.
V: shh… I don’t know. I don’t know what you can be.
El: …… nor do I.
V closes his eyes… places his lips on yours… carefully… breathing in deep… smelling you… tasting your lips… pulling your soft body against his own…
El allows his every touch.
V: …gently sliding his tongue between your lips… licking along yours… slowly… gently…
El breaths hard and fast.
V: …circling around it… wetting our lips… kissing you passionately… hard… intense…
El really does feel faint.
V: …slowly pulling back… looking deep into your eyes.
El looks back.
Vsmiles.
El almost trembling.
V: Kinda hard to control oneself, innit?
El smiles.
V runs his fingers through your hair.
El lays her head on his shoulder.
(You know…as many times as I have re-lived this memory…I have never asked you the one question I was too afraid to ask you at the time…What were YOU afraid of?)
24
Mar
Thank you my lover, for checking in on me even when it is late, for letting me know what you are doing and when you will be back. Thank you for always taking me into consideration and making me feel like I am truly the most important thing in your life. Those things are NOT taken for granted! You are SO good to me love, and while I KNOW you will just blow it off and say „Well, I have to, don’t I? I love you, I am responsible for you!“ I know that you DO have a choice and you DON’T HAVE to do those things. You will never know how special you make me feel!
It is still AMAZING to me how much our lives have changed in the almost 7 months that we have been together. It feels like all the questions that have always nagged at me have been answered and I have finally been allowed to enter the world that only filled my dreams proir to you! And yes, love….life certainly does lead in strange ways sometimes!
Für immer, mein Liebster…D
[2009/09/18 2:28] El: I love you V… SO much
V holds her tight….Dito love.
El: Do you know what I would give to have just ONE cup of coffee with you? Just one???
V kisses her softly… Who knows?
El smiles.
V: Life… leads you in strange ways sometimes.
El: Yes…it certainly does!
V holds her tight…. Let’s be happy for what we have.
————————————————————————
[2010/03/23 3:54] Vanish Firecaster: You said you’ll me by wife, my slave, my lover and partner.
El Firecaster: yes…nods
Vanish Firecaster: And I will hold you to that.
El Firecaster smiles, holding him tight.
Vanish Firecaster: It will be.
El Firecaster: whispering to him… I am yours, love…..I will NEVER be anothers…. ever
————————————————————————————————————-
[2010/03/23 4:43] El Firecaster: I still think I am dreaming!
Vanish Firecaster kisses her softly. I remember… you once said you’d give anything to have a cup of coffee with me. We will have that cup…. Every day.
El Firecaster nods and cries… yes
El Firecaster caresses his face softly….. Oh love… El Firecaster cries happy tears.
Vanish Firecaster rocks her gently….kissing her eyes softly.
23
Mar
Her big floppy hat almost completely covered one eye and seemed to provide some protection from the outside world to her. Her day had been filled with multiple incidents and her head pounded as she waited for HIM….all she needed was HIM…all she could think of was HIM…..as her mind returned to the days events…..
How many times must one „girl“ be saved in a single 24 hour period? It all started SO early in the day. Strange phone calls…almost in the middle of the night…reminding me of a life almost forgotten, fear creeping into the dark recesses of my mind followed by his friend, paranoia. Why is it, that when you put yourself out there for the whole world to see, you suddenly become surprised when someone looks? I am still sorry love, for having bothered you with the whole thing, but as my mind panicked, there was only one thing I could think of….you. And as usual, you quieted all my silly fears and reminded me of how much you love me.
And just about the time I moved past that, I realized it was indeed time to go to the dentist…AGAIN….and this time it would hurt. And it did…but you brought to my remembrance that your spirit NEVER leaves me, as I listened to the music you gave me…and let my mind wander to the land of dreams yet to come. As I allowed myself to think of the many dreams we still have to experience, it quelled my fears and steadied my hand. When it was all said and done…my first thought was of you and how fast I could get to you, feeling your loving arms wrap around me. It was YOU that kissed my head, trying to FORCE my headache to leave and reminded me that the tooth pain was just for a moment….and would soon be good as new.
When you saw my feathers ruffled and my temper flare, you never once told me how silly I was being or how I should have taken the „high road“. Instead you chose to hold me in your arms and listen to my sad tale, laughing at the funny parts and supporting me in my ire, helping me to understand those around me and letting me work it out in my own way. And as I lay there in your arms making fun of your blue pajamas and SLAUGHTERING your native tongue, you just laughed at me, and taught me, and held me close.
When the bell of the clock began to toll and we looked once again at the time we had been allotted slipping thru our fingers, it was YOU who rocked me and loved me, gently coercing me to tell you my wildest desires, driving me to new heights of passion as we once again partook of each another. And as I laid there, feeling my insecurities start to mount, that excitement within me start to build as I thought off all the things that COULD be…it was your gentle breathing that calmed my spirit and whispered to my soul „It will be alright!“
How many „hats“ must one man wear? You are my confidant, my friend, my lover, my security. You are my provider, my caretaker, my counselor and my partner. You will always be my husband, my king, my creator and my lord…and today….multiple times you were my rescuer. What a lucky „girl“ am I! I will forever be your personal…:)….slave…..D