My Sweet V,

I have sat here for hours trying to decide what to put in the TD for today.  I even slept for a bit, hoping that when I woke up I would have the right words… and still…they just seem to elude me.  It’s been an odd 24 hours or so…as I said…we women are creatures DOMINATED by hormones, sometimes causing us to act and react erratically.  I apologize in advance, for I HAVE to wonder if that is not what is going on with me.  It’s a nice excuse anyway!  Today was my Mother’s B-day…makes me miss her more today.  I often wonder what she would think of her daughter, of the decisions I’ve made and the things I’ve done.  I know she can see the big picture and is no longer bound by the confines of this world.  She FINALLY knows I didn’t steal her polka dot blouse with the sleeves out of it!…HAHAHAHA…poor little mama.  I hope she would be proud of me…and most of all, I hope she has finally found the peace that seemed to hide from her, her entire life.  Happy B-day Mom! 

I know all you needed…all you WANTED was for someone to listen.  I am sorry.  It makes me understand a little bit better how difficult the past few months have been for you.  It is hard, to stand by and try to be an impartial witness to the one you love…when everything within you wants to jump in and tell them what to do.  But perhaps you have understood better than I, all along, of what your “role” is.  You told me once that we cannot really change or even really HELP anyone…all we can do is be there to walk the journey with them.  And I want to walk with you babe.  I can DO that. 

We have often discussed my overwhelming (at times) feeling of dread, my fight with time, my fear AND loathing of her.  I guess part of that comes from the fact that I TRY to be very, VERY honest with myself.  As much as I love you and desperately want you…I have to do that.  I know that in the dreaming you are mine.  And nothing and no one can hurt us or stop us.  I know our love is unstoppable and it nurtures me and allows me to grow.  I know that it IS as real as any love I have ever known or experienced and I am well aware of the multiple times that we step in and out of “our” world.  For a LONG time, I was able to keep it completely separate from everything else…and I guess somewhere along the way you crossed that road before I did.  I fought it for a long time.  Even after you began to provide for me, I still tried…in my mind to keep it apart.  It has become harder and harder to do so.  And most of the time I am fine with it.  But there are those days….those rare occasions…that I let it get the best of me.  And I have to step back and take a REAL look at things.  As much as I wish I NEVER had to, I HAVE to do it to maintain my sanity.  And as much as I KNOW that you MEAN every word you say…there are some things that I have no control over…and can do nothing but sit back and watch…and so they leave me feeling afraid and uncertain in my life. 

What we have done and shared HAS changed who I am.  I am no longer the little girl that looks for the movie with the saddest ending because she knows there are no happy ones.  I am not the same woman that looks for one romance to another…always searching.  I am not longingly looking out my window…waiting.  I’m not desperately lost in the forest trying to find…SOMETHING!  I don’t go to bed every night feeling that there is more.  I have found what it is that I have searched for my entire life…and all those desires and longings are gone.  They seem like DISTANT memories from a former life that I never want to revisit.  The only difficulty that resides inside me now is the future and what it holds…and thus my fight with time and her tendency to snatch things from me just about the time I become comfortable…my fear to think of or discuss things like we did today.  It causes such a conflict inside me…something that I FORCE myself to look at everyday but NEVER want to SEE!  And most of the time you are oblivious to the struggle that goes on inside me…just the way I want you to be…but occasionally I cannot contain it and it comes out in the oddest ways….today was one of those.

And so…please know, my precious husband that I WILL be here for you…for ANY decision that you make.  I WILL walk beside you thru them all and support you in WHATEVER you decide to do…in whatever will come our way.  I remember when I began to ask those hard questions in my own life, you told me…you would do ANYTHING…ANYTHING you could to help me.  And you have done that.  You were true to your word…and I knew that the offer came with no strings attached…it held no promises and at the same time made no demands.  And so now, my love…I extend it back to you.  I will do ANYTHING…ANYTHING I can to help you…no matter how much that costs…no matter what joys or devastations that may bring.  It is a free gift…to do with as you see fit.

“Take care what you ask of me…cause I can’t say no.”

Forever your wife,

El