User
29
Apr
This was one of our first conversations together…alone…without anyone else around. It is hard to think that we had only met a little over 10 days earlier…and that in a little over 10 days later we would be partners! Things went FAST and yet…it seemed like I had been waiting all my life for this…and it was just a natural progression. I am SO grateful, love. I will NEVER forget the first time I met you…and will ALWAYS be eternally thankful that at last….AT LAST….we were allowed to be together…again.
[2009/08/13 12:36] V: That’s why I am really reluctant… or rather, why matching timezones are really important to me. Or matching online times, for that.
El: Yes…..I can understand that.
V: Some people are more on during the day, it seems.
El: It is just that all the BEST girls live here in the USA…..HAHAHA
V laughs. Hmm. Well, I don’t know them all, so I can’t judge that.
El: You KNOW it is true…hahaha
V: Well, the best boys are from… hold on… ah… okay, not from germany. There’s too many jerks here. Maybe from england.
El: You have already met the BEST 2 girls in the US… so anything else will be inferior….hahaha
V laughs. Damn. Does that mean I can give up all hope?
El: NO! Just settle for second best……………hahaha
El throws head back and laughs.
V: You’re cruel.
El: hahaha…not at all…..just……honest….hahaha. Sorry… Maybe you would get more girls if you didn’t carry an owl around with you…..HAHAHA
V: Aw, I knew there was something.
El: Do you know what that poop did to my floors!
V: Aww. I’m terribly sorry.
El: It’s ok…..I was just on my knees cleaning it up all day…but other than that I am fine….lol
V: Sorry. Anyway, she was soo busy with ripping your curtains, I really didn’t expect her to crap on your floor.
El: Sure you did…. hahaha… maybe you should carry around a mop and bucket instead of a cigarrette????
El laughs…I can just see you with that!
V considers it. Well, it certainly would be unusual.
El: I bet you would get a LOT of women that way!
V: Uh. Yes, but for what price!
El: We are always looking for a man willing to do housework…lol
V: Yes. Cheap slaves.
El: And I bet they would even let you keep your owl…..haha
V: Rich men who love kids and do housework.
El: How did you know???????????
V laughs…I read some profiles.
El: hahaha… Such a CRYBABY you are!
V: Am not!
El: WHATEVER! So do you always carry an animal around with you?
V: Hm. No, not always. I’m kinda stuck with Pallas
El: That’s the owl…Pallas?
V: Yes
El: I have to tell you something…
V: Shoot.
El: I apologize in advance, but I just HAVE to do it…..
V: No problem. Is it about the cleaning bill?
El: You remember the first time I met you?
V: Uh. On the island?
El: Yes.
V: Yes, I do.
El: Do you remember what you were wearing?
V: Uhm…No.
El giggles…. the white suit.
V: Yes, I wear that often.
El: Are you familiar with Kentucky Fried Chicken here in the US?
V: Uhm… we do have that here, too.
El: Have you ever seen Colonel Sanders?…hahaha
V: Uh, no.
El: The guy in the white suit from KFC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
V: Oh, okay…. Yes
El: He was the founder of KFC.
V: Didn’t know his name.
El: I think you have other plans for Pallas….hahahahahaha
V laughs…. Tssss… No one’s gonna eat me owl.
El: He better watch it when you wear the white suit! I know what you are up to… you can’t hide it from me!
V: Tss, you DON’T
El: POOR PALLAS
V: She’s just here to catch more… substitute chicken.
El: Hahaha… whatever… you can’t fool me… I am from the US… I am on to you!
V laughs…sorry, I forgot you’re from the country that invented the CIA and NSA. You can’t be fooled.
V admits everything.
El: NOT YET! I wanted to torture you! I HAVE plans for Pallas too and they include revenge!
V: Nooooo! They don’t have KFC in Guantanamo!
El: yeah…you shoulda known it would come back haunt you!
V pretends that made a lot of sense.
El: SMARTASS…Whatever! Pallas would understand it!
V: Uh. I think she already did. She kinda went off to get some water. Can you do waterboarding in a bucket?
El: poor baby… I can try!
V: Uh. Better not.
El: It could be fun!
V: For who?
El: ME! Who else???
V: Oh… Well…
V scratches head. …why not try it on yourself?
El: Cause I am afraid of water!
V: Oh. Me tooo!!!
V suddenly got aquaphobic.
El: I KNOW….that is why I wanted to try it out on you first! You wouldn’t even get in the hot tub at the island!
V: But you can’t! Uh, you shouldn’t!
El: SCAREDY CAT!
V: Tss. YOURSELF!
El: TSS
V: What’s wrong with the hot tub at the island?
El: I feel like a snake when I do that…. tss
V: Why don’t I get there? And why is there a hot tub at the island at all?
El: YOU put it there! Not me!
V: I did?
El: Yes….in front of the TV
V: Oh, THAT hot tub.
El: Have you been drinking again?
V: Uh. No. I never.
El: WHATEVER
V: Hey, it was *** doing the drinking! …serving the drinks. I was just kinda…
El: Well….I had a few too…but you were making all the drinks!
V: Yes!
El: No one makes them that well unless they have had a few!
V: Uh…
V looks at Pallas.
El: Don’t look at her… she is NOT going to help you ANYMORE… now that she knows your intentions!
I remember from the first moment I met you how easy it was to talk to you. I could laugh, I could joke…and yes…I could even make fun of you and be comfortable doing it. I remember watching you at the Island, sitting in the tub in my swimsuit and wishing so badly that you would get in the tub with us. I remember the next time we met…and I sat across from you and once again, we talked and laughed and people that did not know us thought we were together. I remember looking at you and wishing so badly that I could sit next to you. Yes…if I stop and think about it…from the moment I met you…I knew…you were mine.
Forever……D
28
Apr
She lay on the bed, the soft crimson covers hugging her body. It was still warm where he had lain. She nuzzled the empty spot with her nose…trying to smell him there. Her mind, as always, wandered to the wonderful moments they had spent together just moments earlier….
[16:02] Vanish Firecaster takes her in his arms… pulling her tight.
Vanish Firecaster: God, you are incredible!
El Firecaster smiles at him happily… biting her lip shyly… kissing him softly.
El Firecaster: Thank you, love.
Vanish Firecaster: You are so perfect. How can you be so perfect?
El Firecaster smiles… kissing him gently.
Vanish Firecaster holds her tight.
El Firecaster whispering… You only have to look no farther than at my creator for the secret to that.
El Firecaster kisses him again…softly… gently… tenderly… letting her hands caress his face… her fingertips moving to the side of his body as she gently runs them up and down.
Vanish Firecaster traces the lines of her face gently… carefully… caressing her lips… kissing them.
El Firecaster closes her eyes… feeling him caress her as her body trembles.
Vanish Firecaster: Thank you so much.
El Firecaster smiles at him…giggling softly.
El Firecaster: It was really fun! I have wanted to do that for a long time!
El Firecaster blushes slightly.
Vanish Firecaster: I loved it so much.
El Firecaster smiles…caressing his face….
El Firecaster: God….I love you!
Vanish Firecaster smiles at her.
El Firecaster giggles softly whispering in his ear…
El Firecaster: Did I make you mine?
Vanish Firecaster: Yes…Ever.
El Firecaster closes her eyes and breaths him in.
El Firecaster: Immer.
Vanish Firecaster: Ja.
El Firecaster kisses him tenderly.
El Firecaster: I will never leave you, love.
Vanish Firecaster: Neither will I.
El Firecaster: bonded….forever.
Vanish Firecaster: Mmmmh. I think that’s a god thing.
Vanish Firecaster: *good*
El Firecaster holds his face close to hers as she tenderly kisses his lips smiling at him.
El Firecaster: I think it is both…. a God thing AND a good thing! God…it is SO easy to be with you, love.
Vanish Firecaster kisses her deeply… rubs his nose against hers.
Vanish Firecaster: Yes. It is.
El Firecaster holds him close as that deep peace falls over her that often takes her over after she has been with him.
Vanish Firecaster: Did I ever give you a song by Pallas?
El Firecaster: Pallas??????
El Firecaster: your owl?
Vanish Firecaster: The band. No, there’s a band named Pallas.
El Firecaster sings an owl song… giggles
Vanish Firecaster: Tsss… vewwy funny.
El Firecaster: hoot hoot hoot!
Vanish Firecaster: hoot? That sounds like the fire siren.
El Firecaster: like an owl….
El Firecaster pokes him… makes her eyes big like an owl and HOOTS!
Vanish Firecaster laughs.
El Firecaster: I am a HOOT owl!
Vanish Firecaster squeezes her tight as he rolls around the bed with her laughing.
El Firecaster makes fire engine sounds.
El Firecaster: I can be a fire engine too!
Vanish Firecaster laughs… Oh yes. You’re sufficiently hot.
El Firecaster: HAHAHAHAAH… I just need… giggles… a BIG hose for my truck!
El Firecaster laughs!
Vanish Firecaster: Mmmmh. You’re SO impossible.
El Firecaster giggles… True!
Vanish Firecaster: It’s NO surprise your kids can’t behave.
El Firecaster: laughs hard… Poor babies! They were DESTINED to be bad!
Vanish Firecaster: Mmmh.
El Firecaster laughs.
El Firecaster: That’s ok…..you have some to pass YOUR genes on to!
Vanish Firecaster: Mmmh… true
El Firecaster laughs… traces his soft lips…pulling at the bottom one slightly…. before sticking her finger in his mouth… sliding over his teeth softly
Vanish Firecaster smiles at her.
Vanish Firecaster: *****, you are SO incredible at this.
El Firecaster smiles… this?
[16:21] Vanish Firecaster: I’m… sorry, I just don’t have words for it. But I enjoy every moment.
El Firecaster smiles… and so you should. That is what it is for. It is the way *I* love you. Just as you have asked me to let you love me… this is the way I show you how much you mean to me….
Vanish Firecaster: And you’re SO good at it.
El Firecaster: I SO badly want to reach thru the screen and DO all the things I say….I imagine them in my mind….and then TRY to bring them to life.
Vanish Firecaster smiles.
Vanish Firecaster: It will be.
El Firecaster smiles… touching his face softly…. closing her eyes and whispering….
El Firecaster: May it be so, love…may it be.
Vanish Firecaster: It will be. I know you think you can’t do what El can do. But trust me. We will do what we’re here for.
El Firecaster rubs her face against his as she brings her nose to his and rubs it back and forth gently….
El Firecaster: yes… yes….we will.
Vanish Firecaster smiles at her.
El Firecaster looks at him…a tear in her eye…
Vanish Firecaster kisses her lovingly.
El Firecaster: I live it over and over inside my head…thinking of it…. imagining it…. god….
El Firecaster feels the tear run down her cheek…. as she closes her eyes again.
Vanish Firecaster: I know. Me too.
Vanish Firecaster smiles.
Vanish Firecaster: And you’ll be a brave girl. And then everything will be good.
El Firecaster: yes… yes.
El Firecaster holds him tight.
Vanish Firecaster rocks her gently in his arms.
She downloaded the song…”Blood and Roses” by Pallas, listening to it over and over as tears poured down her cheeks. She watched them fall onto the crimson blankets below her as she ran her hand across the bed, trying SO hard to still feel him there. She pondered how many times he had heard this song and wondered where she was as he tried to find her. She remembered her title “the sleep” and thought it even more fitting than before. And she thought of how many times he had indeed followed her….immer. She remembered the picture of HIM that she kept in her heart and head…never letting it go…immer. He was indelibly printed upon her soul….immer. She imagined him peacefully dreaming, his breathing soft and quiet, his agile mind at rest, his inner being taking him to new places, hoping that she was with him there, hoping that thru the dreams, he could feel “the sleep” as she whispered to him…IMMER, my husband…immer.
27
Apr
Normal is such a relative term, I’m almost afraid to use it. Everything that was “normal” for me for SO long is no longer. In fact, I have come to learn that some of it was terribly ABnormal. It was good to be able to talk to you about all that…it kind of helps me sort things out. My entire LIFE has been turned upside down and things that I held as true and dear have been brought into question and must be carefully re-evaluated. I suppose that it is little wonder then that I balk at the slightest change and often find myself unbalanced and unsteady. Quite a lot of this is brand new for me…and while it is wonderful and everything I ever wanted, it is still new and may require a learning curve. But today as I lay in your arms and talked all I could think of was that it all felt so terribly “normal”! I HATED to see your Holiday come to an end…was even afraid of it ending, but today felt SO good! It was SO easy to just lay there and talk to you…once again about things that NO ONE would probably find of the least interest but us…and yet it felt good…and easy…and normal. I found myself wanting more…wanting to talk longer…wanting to hold you longer, but confidant that we would soon be together again.
I realize that our world is not one that most people choose to walk in. It DOES have its’ difficulties. And is at times precarious, currently dependant on so many things that are beyond our control, but it is MY normal now. It is what I look forward to each day. It is what sings me to sleep each night…it is the hope that one day we will realize our dreams that gives me the strength I need to hurdle the many obstacles that seem to come my way. Quite simply put…it is YOU. Thank you love, for normal!
Forever…your personal…:)…slave…D
26
Apr
Good morning my precious lover. I hope you had a peaceful rest and that your first day back at work will be an easy one. Yes…I missed you, but I am glad you rested and am so looking forward to seeing you this evening. Until then….
[2010/04/25 5:27] El Firecaster: I love you…. Thank you for coming here with me.
Vanish Firecaster smiles… Tsss, please, love, you don’t have to thank me for that. I like it.
El Firecaster: Even if you prance around in the flowers?
Vanish Firecaster: Mmmh. Well, they are quite tall, huh?
El Firecaster: Yes… giggles… I feel hidden!
Vanish Firecaster: Mmmh. Quite comfortable for you, huh?
El Firecaster nods… yes, actually! No better place to hide than in flowers! Roses even!
Vanish Firecaster laughs.
El Firecaster: I LOVE roses!
Vanish Firecaster: Yeah. Mmmh. Didn’t you say you love lilacs?
El Firecaster: Oh yes! They are my favorite outdoor bush…. but I love roses for cut flowers.
Vanish Firecaster: Mmmh. Okay.
El Firecaster: I love ALL flowers actually….
Vanish Firecaster: Which ones?
El Firecaster: Which ones?
Vanish Firecaster: Yes, which roses?
El Firecaster: The pretty kind?… hahaahah
Vanish Firecaster: MMh. Do they have colours?
El Firecaster: Yes… giggles…
Vanish Firecaster: Well, good!…WHICH?
El Firecaster: I guess I am really partial to pinks….a deep pink…. but I like them ALL….
Vanish Firecaster: MMMh. Okay.
El Firecaster: They are SO pretty! I got some one time that were a dusty pink….almost lilac colored… they were SO pretty!
Vanish Firecaster smiles.
When you asked me this question, I had to really stop and think about it. Do you know that in the MANY years that I was in a committed relationship, that question was never asked of me? The first thing I wanted to say when you asked was “Any kind I can get!”. It was not often that I got flowers, and especially not roses, as they tend to be more expensive than the others. I did on occasion get them from the market…I can only once remember getting them from an actual florist, and even then, there were only 3 of them! But I was quite happy with that! I often thought about buying them myself, but they just seemed to lose some of their charm that way. Of course, I knew they cost money that we did not have, but you could still get a dozen at the grocer for less than $10. I tried to tell myself it did not matter…and I guess in the end it did not. But I think there may be LOTS of things that did not matter for a long time, that may matter now…so I may have to really THINK about what some of MY preferences are and realize that you do not always just have to take what you are given.
I am SO grateful to have the opportunity to do that and to share my life with you,love. I spent quite a bit of my evening reading over the case you told me of, regarding the woman who had been in SL for years and died unexpectedly. It was quite sad to read over…and as someone who has spent most of her adult life in the medical profession, I would have to agree with the coroner. Unfortunately, I think it was just her “TIME” to go. There were many factors that surely played a role in her death, her age, weight, ethnicity, and prior health problems among the greatest. I DON’T think she tried to “off” herself, although I think there may be SOME credence to the role that a possible “broken heart” may have played. IF it was true that she recently had experienced such pain, then I can certainly attest to the havoc that can wreak on a body as I watch my hair fall out (and grow back, thank God!) each day. It certainly was enough to cause her to cancel her SL accounts and seek solace elsewhere. I have a feeling, in time, she would have been back, perhaps even better than before and ready to try once again, to find “the one”. I HATE it that her family has lost her, and even more yet, that they STILL do not understand what an important role the internet and virtual living played in her life. All that is seen is the sadness that was gleaned from it, not the YEARS of happiness, acceptance and validation that she found. I did not know her personally and unfortunately, will most likely never have the pleasure, but from the many postings I have read from people that DID know her intimately, it lets me know how much she was loved and will be missed. You can almost “hear” it in their postings regarding her. What she did while she was here did not die with her, it still lives.
She was not a “content creator” that I know of, it seems like her forte was the ability to listen and put her thoughts into words that would strike a chord in the public, be that good or bad. She did not seem to let fear intimidate her and she was admired for it. People have taken the time to write about her and the impact she made on their lives and to post it for EVERYONE to be touched, including you and me. I have a feeling no one will do that for me when I am gone….but I wonder if while she was living she KNEW the legacy she was creating? I wonder if she felt like all that she had said and done amounted to nothing? I wonder if when she cancelled her accounts, she felt like everything that she had ever done in SL was worthless…she certainly had nothing that she could hold on to, to show for it.
I thought of the content creator that I shared with you…the one that gave all her stuff away for free and I wondered…should I write her a notecard to tell her how much I appreciated her? I wish that I had the money to pay her what she is worth, but I have a feeling, that much like someone else I know…she would not want it anyway. All she wants is to create and share it with others. But I guess it would not hurt for me to let her know that she is appreciated, otherwise she will never know my name and how HAPPY I am that she chose to share her creations with me. She will most likely NEVER see all the people that *I* saw in her shops while I was there looking at her things. I would have never even known of her had she not joined a group that sent out notices to its’ members.
I thought of the beautiful pieces of “art” we looked at and read about…and how they touched you. They were truly beautiful…but as I read thru them more and more…I became less and less impressed. It seemed that he was only moved by one lascivious tryst to the next. *I* will be the first one to stand and line and sing of the beauty of a woman’s body. You and I have TOGETHER admired them and found them to be lovely. I will be happy to tell you that I personally think a man’s naked body is godlike and LOVE to look upon it. The thoughts of that can certainly move me and perhaps had *I* been his muse I would feel differently…but all I could think about once he bothered to mention her, was his wife and the agony those “creations” must have brought her. If you notice, she is not on his profile. Maybe she never was, but I would have a tendency to think that more likely than not, she could not live with the toll that his “creating” took on their relationship. And so…that in itself, makes it of very little worth to me.
I am sure my point of view is not held by many, and everyone is certainly entitled to their own, but I would MUCH rather “create lives” than pixels if it meant doing one to the exclusion of the other. I am grateful that you do not do that, love. I am just afraid that you may never realize the impact your creations make on others and hope that you will be able to find a peace with that. If for nothing else, please create because *I* love it. And while I am certainly NOT the “public at large”…I have forever been, am now and always will be your adoring wife…D
25
Apr
Happy Anniversary, love…yes…we DO have one every other week, but I would feel remiss if I did not stop for a moment to celebrate the last 8 months of our lives together. I hate that we had to end our last time together so abruptly. I thought about it for a long time after you left and while I hated that you felt the way you did, I could not help but wonder, if maybe, for the first time, you could really see all that has transpired in my life. Perhaps NOW you understand why I say and feel the way I do? It is not an excuse, just a reminder. And the more I thought of it… the more I thought of the painting I so love that hangs in our home together. I decided to TRY to write down the feelings I have every time I look at it. I hope you don’t mind…and I hope it helps you to understand a little better why I say and do some of the things I do. I love you, my angel…..D
She had been created by him, for him…to be his eternally. Theirs was a pure, clean love given to them by Him. It was somewhat different from all the others, it was not meant to last just one lifetime; it was meant to last eternally. They had risen above the fray and had lived a wonderful, glorious, long life. But as was the way with His order, the time came to begin anew…and this time they were not placed together. They were separated by many miles and many years. Their lives had taken many twists and turns and always, there was the “longing”. Deep inside their souls, they KNEW. They were not like the others…never fit in…never wanted to…just wanted to find “the other”. Their lives seemed to be haunted by dreams and remembrances…times gone by…over and over. The scenes were all different…different places, different times, different happenings…but one thing was ALWAYS constant…”the other”. She had grown up with it… the terrible “loneness”…the one sad thing in her otherwise extremely happy childhood. She had been placed with loving parents and had been allowed to grow and flourish, to dream…to be nurtured. And although she KNEW she was different, she never felt odd or outcast. It simply did not matter that she did not fit in…she was loved and she was allowed to be who she was and that was all that mattered. But as she grew older the longing inside her grew as well. She knew it had been placed there to be given to “the other”…and she set out to find him. She had no experience in such things…she just knew he was out there and she NEEDED him.
She did not have to look far before she found one that wanted her. He could see that she was different…never having been touched. He WANTED what she had to offer and fell in love with the beauty he saw inside her. He secretly hoped it would heal him and give him what he had never had. But before long, the sad things that drove his inner being took over and he could not be “the other”. He let her go…only seeing too late what he had so nonchalantly thrown away. She left him somewhat battered and confused. All she wanted…all she NEEDED was to find “the other”.
Almost before she had time to recuperate she was taken by another. She was not claimed, she was taken. He too, could see that wondrous thing that had been placed in her since the beginning of time, and like the one before him, he hoped to be able to touch it and be healed. It was her nature to do so. It was all she wanted, to heal others, and especially the one that had taken her. She freely gave of it…letting him use it over and over…giving ALL she had to try to heal the tremendous wound that plagued his soul. But again, it could not be healed by her, it was simply temporarily assuaged. He was determined that he would not let her go. He often marveled that she would love him and it always confused her, because she gave of her love so freely. He would tell her that he WANTED to love her like that, he simply could not. And so, he did the only other thing he knew to keep her, he imprisoned her and held her captive. He saw to it that she was sufficiently weakened that she would never be able to leave him. The love that he withheld from her confused her and caused her to doubt who she was. Her mind became clouded and yet she daily let him beat her soul and abuse her spirit, willingly, in an attempt to heal his. It was her nature. She would give ALL to “fix” him…and OH…how she tried. She gave and gave, changing her body and her mind. And still, there was no fixing him and so…he hated her. He would never tell her that, quite the opposite, he would try to tell her how much he loved her, only to hurt her again and then sit back and watch as she writhed in agony. There was no escape. There was no one to help her. She was simply a captive and too weak to fight him anymore. She had purposely tried to “kill” the longing. It did nothing but bring her more pain…and her mind and body were already WRACKED with it, constantly. She was no longer able to fly, barely able to stand and had no will to live. She would die….the longing would die with her. She would make the ultimate sacrifice. It was all she knew to do. And so she let it happen. The beatings were still painful, but at least they served a purpose…to finally put to rest what had once been a vibrant creature. She no longer remembered who she had been, she no longer wanted to…it was over…OVER. She laid down on the cold ground, her body covered in blood, numerous deep wounds scattered across it, many of them infected and oozing. Her broken wings were barely recognizable anymore. Her mind was dulled by the pain and she could barely open her eyes as her dried, cracked lips gasped for air, sweat pouring from her feverish brow. And she waited…for it to end…each breath reminding her of how badly she wished it was over.
The sun bounced off his gossamer wings, blinding her. She tried to look up to see what creature it was that came her way, giving her such a strange feeling, but she was too weak to look very hard. She felt him kneel beside her and pick up her broken body , holding her carefully in his arms. Her head fell back and he could see the full extent of the abuse she had endured. Tears began to stream down his face and he looked at her as the tears fell on her chest, landing between her breasts over her heart. She gasped as she felt them hit her hot body and he saw it twitch, as it tried to revive. He lovingly began to trace each wound with his fingertip, watching them mend. He knew it would be a long, arduous process, but one that he was determined to finish.
He looked up to the heavens, almost angry at what had been allowed. Realizing that it made no difference at that point, he bent his head down to her ear and whispered “ I have claimed you, my love. Remember who we are…come back to me.” With that she opened her eyes and looked up to see the most beautiful face she had ever seen looking back at her. She thought she must be dreaming, as she had done so often in the past. He reached down and touched the wound that ran across her face and watched it heal. “Never again.” he said softly as he kissed her lips carefully. She felt her heart jump with in her…and she knew…he had found her. He had claimed her and the longing was gone…she had, at last, been reunited with the other. She could feel life begin to crawl into her limbs as she reached up to gently touch his face, letting her fingertips run over his features. Yes…it was him. She was found. The long ordeal was over….and now…she could begin the life she was meant to live. It would be hard to recuperate from such grievous wounds, but the other half of the love that had been placed in them from the beginning would heal her. He would take care of her now….she would never want again.
24
Apr
My sweet V,
Thank you for having spent so much of your time with me during your holiday, love. I hate that it has come to an end, and even though I know that we will still be together there is a sadness in me at the thought that it is over, once again. I remember feeling this same way the last time:
[2009/09/27 12:33] V: El, you are… the most beautiful woman.
El: awwww… TY love.
V: I am so happy to do all this with you. So happy to have you.
El: Me TOO!!!!
V: My holiday will be over tomorrow. It’s a pity.
El: I have really enjoyed this time. I am glad we had it.
V: But I’ll try to be on at least once a day.
El: Yes…of course
V: I know we will be good.
El: Of course we will… we have been apart SO long, this will be nothing.
V: I am sad too, love. Well… We have so much catching up to do. And boy, we did.
El giggles.
V: I love you very much. I want to go with you through… all. However hard it might be for us.
El: Me too, love….oh V… I love you!
V kisses her softly.
El: I will miss you.
V: Dito, love. But I got a lot of work to catch up on.
El: I know… I know.
V: God, I will miss you.
El cries.
V: I’ll be on in my mornings. At least then…And in the evenings whenever I can. I hope I get the work sorted out in the next two weeks. And after that things will get back to normal.
El: I know you will have a lot to do…you were working when we met right?
V: Yes.
El: And we did fine!
V: In the beginning I was actually on a different schedule. I was on only at night. And we did the best of the days we had. I know we will do fine.
El: I will try not to be too selfish with you.
V: You are my life, El.
El: It will give me more time to find ways to surprise you!
V: I would love that.
El: I know that baby… I KNOW we have to have RL so we can have SL and I promise I will let you do what you need to do and will be waiting for you when you can be with me.
V: I will be here for you, love.
El: I know.
V: I’m not afraid, just a bit sad.
El: yes…..me too… I am NOT afraid… I would NEVER EVER…..
V: I know. I know, El.
El: No one compares to you! NO ONE!
V smiles…Dito.
V holds her tight.
El kisses him softly… I will FOREVER be yours…NO ONE will ever again touch this body or kiss these lips or have this heart…EVER
V: Mm… So it shall be. We are…. bonded.
El: YES… FOREVER!
23
Apr
My most loved husband,
Thank you for always leading me in the right direction and for gently reminding me of who and what we are and always have been. I DO NOT understand WHY it is SO easy for me to forget that fact.
Perhaps once again it has to do with the difference in the male and female psyche? It is something you have accepted and know to be true…it is a fact in your life…much like the fact that the sun comes up every day without fail. You know it will be there every morning when you rise…it is a fact. I, on the other hand have to be gently reminded, letting fear and uncertainty cloud my judgments…knowing that yes, indeed the sun does come up every day; that does not always mean that one will always be alive to see it! They are the same facts…they are just seen differently.
Thank you, love, for your patience with me, for never making me feel dumb or needy. Thank you for always holding me close and making me feel safe and secure. Thank you for always putting me first and for making me feel like I am the most important thing in your life.
[2010/04/17 14:24] Vanish Firecaster: *****, we have been together so many lifetimes. God knows how many times we’ve been married.
El Firecaster nods
Vanish Firecaster: God knows how many KIDS we had.
El Firecaster smiles… I hope so.
Vanish Firecaster: This is what we’ve been given now. Let us be happy.
El Firecaster nods… yes…I will. I just sometimes have to remind myself of what is important.
Vanish Firecaster: Look, even though I got the better part of that bargain, I too wish that things would have been better. But they are not. And there’s just so much we can do, and the rest we have just to accept and adapt.
El Firecaster: Yes… That was my conclusion too. I know it… I have always known it, I just sometimes forget it…and have to remind myself.
Vanish Firecaster: I know I have to be with you. That’s the most I can accomplish in this life.
Vanish Firecaster smiles.
El Firecaster kisses him.
El Firecaster: It will be good, love. We ARE good.
There are SO many things that you are SO good at, love. I know that many times you do not see them and often feel like you have made no impact in this world. You know that *I* see it differently. *I* SEE what kind of impact you have made on people and the difference you have made…but for you to say…that being with ME is the most you can accomplish in this life…that is the greatest gift you could give me, love! I am TRULY blessed and honored. I can only hope that I can find some way to show you how much that means to me…and to let you know that I too, feel that being with you IS my purpose and destination in this life. I sometimes forget my way, I let fear and past conflicts confuse me and cloud my thinking, but I WILL fly again love! I WILL! And I know…that when I do…you will be beside me.
FOREVER your angel…D
22
Apr
[2010/04/21 6:22] Vanish Firecaster: There’s just… something… in what we share… that creates this… landslide of images… and scenes… and sensations… all at once… even without mentioning them.
El Firecaster nods
Vanish Firecaster: …It’s incredible
El Firecaster: yes…it is!
El Firecaster smiles
El Firecaster: I know exactly what you mean…
Every time that we are together, love…it DOES seem as though everything that we have ever experienced comes to light and flows through us. It gives us a familiarity that makes our every move old and new at the same time. Our time with each other seems to flow so freely and we both enjoy the ease with which we move from one subject to another…and yes…at times…to NO subject at all…just a calm peacefulness that renews our spirit. There is nowhere I would rather be than in your arms…and nothing I would rather do than be with you. I will sacrifice ANYTHING for that, love. My time with you does more for me than anything else I have ever experienced. When I am with you, the pain that often plagues my body seems to disappear for that moment and I am transcended to a place of pure pleasure.
You have ALWAYS been in the back of my mind, love. I have always thought of you and longed for you…as I told you…I would hear the song and think…yes…I COULD fall in love with him. And I KNEW if I EVER found you that I WOULD hold you in my arms and NEVER let you go. I thank God DAILY that he has allowed me that opportunity. Not only COULD I fall in love with you…I HAVE fallen in love with you…
[2010/04/21 7:05] El Firecaster: I feel for him….
Vanish Firecaster: Yeah.
El Firecaster: but I have been “claimed”
El Firecaster smiles and kisses him.
Vanish Firecaster: Mmmmmh. And I’ll defend that claim.
El Firecaster smiles… yes…. you have the right to!
El Firecaster holds him tight.
Vanish Firecaster: Mmmmh.
Vanish Firecaster kisses her softly.
El Firecaster smiles at him…. you know, I LOVE being “yours”.
Vanish Firecaster squeezes her tight.
El Firecaster: It is the most wonderful feeling!
Vanish Firecaster: And I won’t let you go.
El Firecaster nods….whispering to him… please….never let me go, love….ever
Vanish Firecaster: Ever.
[2010/04/21 7:09] El Firecaster smiles, caressing his face…kissing the side of it…holding it close to her own.
I am grateful love that you feel just as I do…I will NEVER let you go…you are….MINE….
Forever your personal…:)…slave…D
21
Apr
She laid her head back, closing her eyes, rocking back and forth. Oh the feeling! She had not sat in a rocking chair in over 4 months. Her mind started to wander as she sat there and as usual her thoughts drifted to him and of recent past. It was the rocker he had bought for her. She felt the arms of it wrap close around her body and she imagined they were his. He had known how badly she had missed the sensation and as was his way, he sought to take care of her, tending to her every need. She remembered the things she had shared with him and her feeble attempts to work through her past. She wished that he would not blame himself for things he could not help. He had truly been the best thing to come into her life…and she hated…that quite like her own nature…he always looked to himself to see if he was the cause of something or what he could do to make it better. She smiled as she thought to herself how similar they were in so many ways and how it always made her marvel! It was truly like two sides of the same coin. There were SO many things they just knew intuitively about one another.
She was grateful for the times that she could share her past with him…all the good and bad…and grateful that he frequently let her cry and express her frustration and hurt. But most of all she loved his laughter. She LOVED to hear it…it was quiet and often somewhat under his breath…but it was there…and it moved her. It brought such great joy to her…and the sound of it could echo in her mind for days. It was funny to her…she had not really considered herself much of an “auditory” person…but there were things about him that stuck in her head and played over and over. His soft breathing….his sighs…they way he often “tsked” and didn’t even know it…the inflections in his voice…the way he always cleared his throat after singing each song…the way he got really quiet and said “I love you too, ***” with such meaning, causing such a stirring in her spirit. It was as though when he said it, it called to her soul and reminded her that she was indeed his. She could never hear it enough and each time he said it, felt like the first.
[2009/08/25 11:10] V: I’m a bit tense.
El: why?
V: Because I realized something yesterday.
El: What dear?
V wraps his arms around you, pulling you close.
El lays head on his shoulder
El: Are you okay?
V runs his fingers through your hair slowly.
V: Ellie…
El: yes love?
V smiles.
V: Yes.
V: love.
V kisses you softly.
El remembers this amazing feeling… touches his face
V: You’re like a dream come true.
El buries her head in his chest.
V pulls you tight against himself.
El looks deeply into his eyes… whispers
El: really?
V: Yes love.
And again….
2009/08/25 13:22] V: How can you be so perfect Ellie? How?
El smiles… you are my angel… you make me perfect. You see? They are not ALWAYS pissed!
V: I want to say something stupid.
El: I am waiting… I LOVE stupid!
El giggles
V: And I love you.
El: Tell me… there is nothing you cannot say.
V: Well, that was it…I love you.
El: Oh baby… that is never stupid!
She remembered the wonder and awe she felt those first times…and even though she had heard it several times a day for almost 8 months, it still had not lost its’ magical quality, causing her heart to leap each time he said it.
May it ALWAYS be so love….
Forever your wife…D
20
Apr
“NMFTT” It seems, my precious V that we find ourselves in uncharted waters. Every day that we are together seems to push us further and further out to an unknown sea, with no maps…if we’re lucky we MAY have a compass; let’s hope it is not broken! I guess it is not sufficient that we ourselves are very different creatures, unlike the majority. We also find ourselves in a very REAL love in a VIRTUAL world, crossing the boundaries into the real world. Is that even allowed? Would we care if it was not? We often begin living between worlds, forging ahead into unknown territory, acting as though we know what we are doing. Occasionally we find ourselves falling, rather unexpectedly, into a mess, not even sure how we got there. But most of the time, love…we manage quite well. We have found a way to bond beyond the miles, the tears, the years and the differences. We have managed to hold onto our love when threatened and even coveted by others. We have found a way to survive through personal pain and tears, while never feeling alone. We have managed to “touch” each other over the miles to bring joy and comfort and pleasure to one another, in a way that few people have done, even when standing right next to one another.
We need to remember that what we have is rare and should be treated as such. I KNOW it is easy to forget that, when we are privileged enough to have it every day. It is easy to let ourselves become complacent, forgetting the pain we endured to get here. It is my prayer love, that I never take what we have for granted…that I never forget the pain that brought us here, in order that I might enjoy the pleasure of being. I hope that EVERY DAY when I look into your eyes and kiss your lips, that I remember how extremely lucky I am to have you, NEVER forgetting my life before you.
As we navigate together through these muddy waters without a map and a broken compass, may we never find ourselves in the sea of forgetfulness.
FOREVER your wife…D