434…the number of times, give or take a few that we have said “goodbye”.  I have told you many times how painful each one is for me, but I think this one was by far the worst.  I heard you click off….and I saw your figure leave…and my heart wept.  I knew there was nothing else I could do, but let you go…I knew it was the best thing I could do, to let your mind and body rest….and yet everything within me wanted to do MORE.  I will probably spend most of the rest of the night wondering if you are ok…wishing there were some way I could touch you and let you know how much I love you.  Please love, may you feel my presence in your dreams and find comfort there. 

I wish I could piece together all that has transpired over the past couple of days and have it make sense.  Unfortunately, I cannot and when I try it only confuses me more and so I am resigned to put it in that drawer of “things that cannot be figured out right now” and shut it.  I have no doubt that these issues will resurface at some point in time…whatever they are….and that we will have to deal with them yet again.  I can only hope that we have learned SOMETHING from it all and will deal with them better in the future.  Overall though, I think we did fairly well.  We love each other…and neither one of us wants to hurt the other.  Sometimes we do it without meaning to, but I know it is never intentional. 

I KNOW how difficult it is to put emotions and motivations into words.  As much as I LOVE to write, that is still quite difficult…and I am afraid I am not very good at it.  I can only imagine how it must be for a man.  I want to thank you for doing that.  I know it was not easy for you.  I am sorry if I misunderstood any part of it.  Please forgive me.  I TRULY appreciate the time and effort it took to try and sort it out…and even more so to put it into words.  Thank you, love. 

After we had cried and kissed and talked….I could tell you were exhausted…oh….what I would give to be able to hold you….to rub your head gently and kiss your eyes…..to tenderly trace your lips and kiss them softly and whisper in your ear how much I love you.  Nothing would give me more pleasure than to wrap my arm around you and feel it rise and fall in response to your breathing, knowing that your mind was at rest and your body was recuperating, feeling your breathing get deeper and slower, until at last you had drifted off into your dream world, the sleep at your side. 

I know that as we continue our journey together, love….we will run into many more of these types of things.  They are what make us who we are…and as you said…many of them are things that we have learned to do automatically, not even knowing why or when we do them anymore.  I am sure we will have many more moments of introspection…and we may NEVER understand all the things that move and motivate us, but I know that we will always be able to fall back on our love…the core of who we are.  It will always win out…it has done so for centuries and it will continue to do so. 

My heart will ache for you every MOMENT until I see you again, love.  I know you needed to rest, but I fear I may not be able to, until I KNOW that you are ok, and that we are where we need to be.  You mean more to me than the air I breathe, love.  I am yours…I have always been yours…I will always be yours…and if that means that I do nothing more than sit by your side, then I will be happy with that.  I trust you love.  I know that you will not leave me lacking…I know that just like me, you are made to see to it that others are taken care of, even at your own expense (Although you would probably never admit that…but I have seen you do it over and over…)  so I KNOW that you will take care of me.  I know that all I have to do is ask and you will do whatever you CAN do to give me what I ask…and so love, I too, will ask carefully.  I never want to take advantage of your good nature…or use you in anyway. 

I guess if we have said 434 farewells….then we have said that many hellos.  I am SO looking forward to 435…and many more after that, love.  Until then…schlaf gut, mein Liebster.

Forever your wife…D