A mic…a dentist…and hormones. I know those 3 separately sound HARMLESS…but put them together and OH MY! There are times when I just feel overwhelmed. When I forget all the simple things….all the easy things…all the things for which I am grateful. I try SO hard to keep those things at the forefront of my thoughts…but there are times that I just seem to forget them all. I allow myself to feel alone and scared….and unsure. Today was one of those days. I know I tell you and tell myself that I have not and WILL not allow myself to dream the dream…and yet…on days like today…when that dream feels threatened…I realize that I have bought it hook, line and sinker…and then I become even more afraid…that I have allowed myself to hope for something that might never be. For when I am truly honest, there is not a day that goes by that I do not allow myself to dream of it.
Hope has always been my friend. She and I have always got along fine…but I have seen what happens when all hope is lost…when you bring yourself to the reality that you have allowed yourself to hope in things that were only dreams…and you have to stop and think…”and every dream is just a dream after all.” It can be devastating…and you start to think that perhaps it was better to have never had it…and then you would not feel that loss that comes with it being shattered. But alas, it is too late…I have allowed it…and now I will have to live with it. So when things happen that make that hope feel threatened, I become very afraid and react irrationally.
You are SO good to me love. You never make me feel silly or ashamed. You always gently assuage my fears and let me know that it is okay to feel WHATEVER I am feeling. I can hear your gentle voice telling me…”It’s OK, love. We are a couple…we comfort one another.” Why is it that I feel like I am always the one requiring comfort…and that I am not doing much comforting? I know that you have always had to be the one to “fix” things, love. I know that ever since you were a small child, it was what you did…and soon…it became expected. EVERYONE comes to you with their problems and expects you to fix them! I KNOW that is hard sometimes. I TOO have always been the one that was designated to make things right. I DO NOT want to add to your “burden”…and yes…I know you hate the word. You have done and still DO so much for me without me even asking. I HATE it when I feel like I have required more of you than I should.
I know this time will pass, love. I know that it will all work out. We will get it all done in due time. I just hate it when that feeling comes over me that makes me feel like I am SO out of control of my own life. Like it is up to Fate, or God, or Luck to decide what will become of us. I KNOW that there are more than just one way that we can be together…but when all those ways center around something as simple as electricity…something that I have NO control over….then I become frightened and worry that I will once again, find myself in the great loneness….and that is almost more than I can bear. And then I am left with that TERRIBLE, HAUNTING question…..”What if….???”
Thank you for making me feel confident. Thank you for telling me it is going to be ok. Thank you for believing when I just have no strength to believe. You are quite simply….my hero! You come in and scoop me up in your arms and MAKE me find the strength to hope once again. You show me all the possibilities…and help me to see that things are not as bad as I thought they were. Thank you, love…for always being there for me.
I LOVE my B-day present! It is AWESOME! The more I use it the more I love it! But you must put on your teacher’s hat…I have a feeling I will need a LOT of instruction! You are always looking after me, listening to my every wish and thinking of ways you can make them come true. You think of things I need before I ever see them. You are my….provider. You take such GOOD care of me, love. You DO see to it that my every dream is realized. Why would I EVER doubt?
Forever, your loving partner……D
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