There are so many things that baffle me love…so many things that make me wonder…just HOW MANY lives we have shared together…how many pasts. It seems like every time we drive by the place where the house used to stand at the side of the road, there is something that calls out to me. Today…was the funniest feeling…as we walked back into the trees…I felt like WE had been there before. There was something about it that stirred deep inside me and I wanted to walk over to the archway and touch it. I felt so close to you there. It was almost as though when I looked into your eyes I could see another time. I sometimes wonder if it is that way with you. Do you ever look at my eyes…and just feel like you have always seen them? Like for one brief fleeting moment you could place them in another time and another place? Like if you look hard enough…the landscape and the clouds and the time will transform into the way it was and WE will be as we were then…different…and yet always the same.

Sometimes as we drive along the road I can almost hear the trees calling to me. I feel really comfortable there. And yet….there is a longing that is somehow associated with them. All I REALLY know for sure and yet often doubt, is that I am here with you, now…in this place…this moment in time…and that I will do the best I can to make sure that no second is wasted.

As we move into the new house, I am excited….yet scared…and yes…even a little sad. You know how easily I form relationships with objects…how I seem to bond with them and give them SO much more importance than they should have. There are so many firsts that this house holds for me…and I will never forget them. SO…..in another 75 years or so, I have a feeling that one day we will be driving down the road that runs in front of this house. Perhaps it will be a freeway by then…or another forested area…or who knows…a dry dusty desert full of cows….but when we do…I will know. I will feel it. I will “feel” the first time you made love to me…the first time you kissed me good night….the first movie we ALMOST watched together…and the first cup of coffee we had. And as we drive by and my body responds…I will gently put my hand on your leg, running my warm hand up and down it, as you reach down and grab it with your hand…and I will look at those beautiful brown eyes staring back at me…almost piercing through to my soul and I will say “Pull over here!” as you smile at me and give me one of those looks…like..”What is my crazy wife doing now??” And I will jump out of the car and grab you by the hand and hold you close to me. I will feel the gentle breeze blow on our skin, as my senses are heightened and my body responds to your lips on mine…and THIS time…I will not hesitate…I will have LEARNED to ask the question. I will not wait to see what happens. I will close my eyes….and remember a time in the distant past, that all my dreams came true and WE began again.

To all the times yet to come, love…..immer…D

My Precious Husband,

Thank you for being so good to me, love. I know there are many things for me to learn…and it may be a while until I find my place. I know it should be a little disturbing to me, but it was kinda good to hear that you are sometimes playing things by ear and have not figured everything out yourself.

Tonight as I lay in your arms and we laughed and joked about what we would be in the next life….and spoke of all the lives we have lived in the past, I could not help but feel somewhat comforted. Comforted in that you reminded me, once again, that we should not miss out on the “right now” for looking to the future (or past for that matter) and it felt comforted as we began to share of what our past lives might have been.

I am SO terribly happy, love…so grateful to be here….and every moment with you is like a little moment in heaven. Each time I caress your face and kiss your lips, I am reminded of how LONG I have waited for that moment and of the reality that has finally lent itself to us. But I cannot help but feel that something has been lost…and you KNOW how sentimental I am. We have always managed to blend our 2 worlds together very well. And we have often talked of how important our virtual lives are to us…and yet somehow, I feel like it has been abandoned. It felt good the other night when we were both online together…chatting in group chat…and while I know I am sitting in the same room with you, looking at your smile and hearing your laughter, there is just something about it that felt good…and stable…at a time when things sometimes feel rocky.

I know that BOTH our lives are currently in a state of flux…SO much change…and much more still to come. I know it will be stressful as we adjust to our new surroundings and learn how to truly live together. But I hope, that when the dust all settles and we are firmly planted, that we can pick up where we left off…and continue our journey…together in a virtual world in some capacity. I feel responsible for the lack that you have felt regarding your work and often worried that I was causing such…and now I know that my concerns were not totally unfounded…and so…I feel guilty…asking for any more…and of course, it will not need to be as intense as it once was, now that we ARE together in RL. But it was in a virtual world that I found you and fell in love with you. It was in a virtual world that I discovered who I am and I feel like a presence in that virtual world reminds me of that fact…something that can easily get lost in the world that we currently inhabit. So…when the dust has settled…and things are caught up and you don’t feel quite so drained, may you turn your remembrance to things in another world…another place, for us to explore and enjoy and live.

Immer, love…in any world…..D

Happy Anniversary, love! NEVER in my wildest dreams, did I think a year ago today, that I would be celebrating this day in your arms, in our home, with you!

The last year has truly been one of the best years of my life. It is almost hard to remember now the terrible pain and confusion I was feeling back then. I remember a year ago feeling SO happy to have found you and yet SO sad to think that our virtual love would never be “real”. I was SOOOO wrong. Our love has always been REAL and now we just get to share it in both worlds.

I am SO happy love. It just seems like each day gets better and better. Will I ever get used to the feeling of old and new at the same time? Sometimes when I look at you…it is so odd to have that sense of always having known you. And yet, when you hold me…I know I have always been there. I can feel myself in your heartbeat as I lay my hand upon your chest. I remember the feel of your lips on mine…the taste of you in my mouth….the feeling of your hands on my body. And I must admit, at times it is hard to think of much else…you feel SO good, love. You are a perfect fit for me. You satisfy me like no other and my only desire is to be pleasing to you. That is my purpose in this life, love…to please you. May you always find pleasure in me, mein Koenig.

I know the next few months will be busy. There will be much to do, with the move and the renovations to come. I will TRY to leave you alone long enough to allow you to accomplish all that must be done. But I will admit…it will be hard. I cannot help wanting to touch you and feel you all the time. And of course, once I touch you…and smell you…I cannot help but want you…and I would love to think that it is only because we are “new” that I feel that way….and that in time it will wear off, but I am afraid that will never be the case. I think I will ALWAYS desire you, love. As I said, I will TRY to curb it, but it may be something that you will always have to “bear”! <giggles>

As I looked thru our pictures I came upon these, of us in the chocolate pool that you put together for me for our first one month anniversary. SOOOOO much has happened since then. I went back and looked at the very first note I wrote you to celebrate that event and found this:

“But what we cannot do…..is take it out and touch it with our earthly hands, thus making things hard and painful at times. Is that not enough for us to bear? When you think about how easy our love is, never forget that it comes at a great price….and that….is enough….we have given and fought and begged enough. It should be…and is…..easy. And so with the greatest pleasure, comes the greatest pain, knowing that this love can never be touched, but only felt in our spirits. Where it continues to live on forever.”

I am grateful, love that I was wrong and that it has finally been touched. May we NEVER be left wanting again…

To all the many wonderful years ahead, my angel….

Immer….your ADORING wife and eternal…:)…slave…D

Good morning, my angel. I think the most challenging thing about the TD now is finding a time to write it when you are not here! I always like for it to be a surprise and to greet you first thing in the morning. I hope it brings some kind of joy to you, love.

I feel like the last week we were fortunate enough to just be able to be us and to use the time to adjust to our new environment. Now life begins in earnest. It can be hard. I feel like most of the time I am just stumbling around trying to find a place that I am not in the way. Everyone has been SO nice. I guess it will just take a while to find my place. But I am SO happy to be here.

It is SO wonderful to be able to FEEL you. I LOVE to feel your strong arms around me when I am sleeping, gently waking me up to your sweet kisses. I LOVE to feel you standing by me at the computer, your hands reaching down over my chair to gently rest on my shoulders…or touching the side of my face, bringing my mouth to yours.

Sometimes when I think of it, I think of the flower in the back garden. I thought for sure it was a gonner. I remember looking at it and thinking there was NO WAY it would come back to life, but after a gentle watering, the leaves began to perk up and yesterday I noticed that it looked almost “new”. But it DID have some damage. Due to the lack of water, some of the leaves withered and fell off. But I noticed new ones already forming, ready to bloom with a little more tender care.

It has been a long time since I have been “watered” love. And yes, some leaves did not make it, they withered and died. But just in the nick of time, a gentle rain fell upon me and brought me back to life…and now, with tender care there are many more leaves yet to grow….and who knows…there may still be a flower yet to bloom.

Thank you, love for your patience. Thank you for your tender care. Thank you for loving me and for showing that love to me.   And you should know…you are much better in the garden than you think.

Forever….your special flower…..D

Good morning, my prince! I trust you slept well. I cannot believe it has almost been a week since I arrived here. I guess it is TRUE that “time” flies when you are having fun. I don’t know why SHE has to be like that.

I have had such a wonderful time, love. So many things that I have seen and heard, tasted and felt that I never in my wildest dreams thought I would ever do. Every morning when we have a cup of coffee I think of that conversation almost a year ago and of how I LONGED to be with you, longed for just ONE cup….and now I have had many more! Thank you, love.

Yesterday as we traveled through the countryside and I looked out over the beauty of it all as I sat in YOUR car listening to “Paper Cup” I could not help but be overwhelmed. You will never, EVER know how many times I have listened to that song and rocked myself as I cried and cried…wishing SO bad that I could be with you. When it would get to the chorus I would cry more as I would sing..”and every dream, is just a dream, after all.” I would ask my self over and over…”IS every dream just a dream?” and wonder if MY dreams would ever come true. So many of them HAVE come true, love. I am so grateful! I had pretty much decided that all my dreams had been used up for this lifetime. I was SO wrong!

When I was walking down the stairs and saw the picture on the wall, I was struck! I knew that I had seen it before…and kept trying to remember where. In actuality, it is just a simple picture. I suppose it could have been taken in any wooded area. I suppose there are many, many like that throughout the world. But isn’t it odd, that the same one that YOU really walked on and loved and photographed, enough to keep on your walls, sat as a representation on my desktop for years. The only difference, in mine, my prince was riding out of the wooded area towards me. I remember looking at the picture and laughing…thinking that fairy tales were just that…and that princes did not ride out of forests to rescue their loves. Thank you, love for doing just that! Thank you for rescuing me. Thank you for finding me. Thank you for bringing me INTO the picture. Thank you for showing me that every dream is NOT just a dream after all.

Forever your adoring wife and eternal…:)…slave…D

She looked out the window of her new home still amazed! She traveled downstairs and looked at the bed, grabbing his pillow and holding it tight. She could still smell him. She worried that he would be tired all day. He had been SO wonderful to her, seeing to her every need. She knew the little sacrifices he made daily just to please her…they were not overlooked. She closed her eyes and could remember his soft lips on hers…the way they felt…the way he tasted….the way he smelled. He was just as she had dreamed he would be. She could still see the way he looked at her….the concern in his eyes. He was always searching hers…looking to see if he could see any distress…if he could see any lack. Of course he could see the worry. She could not help it anymore than he could. They just seemed to be made to worry! And it was not unfounded worry…not the kind that most people thought of when they thought of worry. It was the kind that looked for problems, that wanted to affect change…that made sure mishaps were kept to a minimum. Perhaps that was why they had both always functioned in the roles that they had…they were the “fixers”. It felt odd to have someone fix things for her. All she knew was…that she was “worried”…she was looking ahead…she was making sure that she would never have to be separated from him again. She would do whatever she had to do. Even if that meant traveling halfway across the world to a strange place with strange language and strange ways….WHATEVER she had to do. It was all of little consequence when it came to him. NOTHING else mattered…nothing. She needed him. She was only complete with him. She could feel it. She was certain he had been right. It was as though she could feel her body healing itself. She was exhausted…in many ways…but it was a good kind of tired. The kind that she needed to be able to sleep and rest and heal. At times her body SCREAMED at her…and at others she could hear it resting….renewing. And her mind was at rest with him. It was safe, it was challenged, it was whole. She COULD be as she needed to be. Her only desire was to please him. She so hoped that she had accomplished that…and that she could do that…for the rest of her life. It was all she wanted…and as she closed her eyes, listening to her quiet, slow heartbeat, she knew it was ALL she needed.

Good morning, my prince. Have I told you lately how much I love you?

Thank you, love for being so understanding about the movie. I was trying SO hard to stay awake….and there were SOOOO many story lines and they were ALL running together and I am pretty sure I dreamed a new one in there…maybe I saw it…I dunno…I could not remember if I watched it or dreamed it!….HAHAHA. If it was not in there, I guess it should have been!

Thank you for taking me driving today….even if it DID scare me to death…I can only imagine how YOU must have felt!….HAHAHA I must admit it DID bring back memories of me being a teen with my Dad sitting in the passenger seat telling me what to do…but he was older and wiser…he took me to a parking lot to learn how to drive! <giggles> I guess he wanted to spare the rest of the world!

Thank you, my angel for never looking at me like I am crazy when I ask “What is that???” for the 1273646^th time! Sometimes I almost feel like I have gone into sensory overload and my poor mind says “NO MORE!!!!!!” and shuts down for a temporary period. So if you occasionally notice a blank stare on my face…it is just my brain shutting down…no worries!….HAHAHA Let’s just hope it does not happen while I am driving! YIKES!

You have really been SO good to me, love. I am sorry if I seem a little clingy at times….as I told you…I sometimes just have to touch you to make sure you are really there. And tonight….you were so warm…and soft…and felt so good to lay against…I could hear you breathing…and lay my head against you and feel it rise and fall in response…and I had to think to myself that there was nothing better in the world…and it slowly lulled my tired brain to sleep. I must admit, I did not want to leave there. It was so wonderful. I really love the thought of falling asleep in your arms…I kind of wish I did not like it so much, but I do. <smiles>

Thank you for eating my cooking! I know it was odd and unusual for you…and I am grateful that you at least tried it. I suppose it was your turn to try something different. Don’t you feel MORE multi cultural now??? <giggles> I hope you will not have to pay for it for the next few days! <laughs> You might have been better off eating out! I am sure I will eventually learn what you like and be able to fix something for you that you will really like.

I am very happy, love…very, very happy. I sometimes find myself just looking out the window and marveling at my surroundings. Are you sure this is real? It is SO pretty! I often find myself caught up looking at the color of the tiles on the roofs…or the colors of the houses, the structure of the streetlamps, the way the rain falls from the sky onto the slanted windows upstairs…or the pattern a ladybug makes on a foggy window as it looks for an escape. SO many things to burn into my memory. And the really odd feeling that I have seen and felt some of this before….the way your lips feel against mine…your gentle kisses on my nose…your arms wrapped around me….ALL….SOOOO familiar…and sometimes…it makes me cry….to think that I could have ever forgotten those things….never again, my husband….never again…

Forever your adoring wife…..D

I know you thought that since I was here that I would forget all about the TD, huh??? NO WAY! I am not sure there will ever be a time that I will not have the urge to tell you how much I love you….how much I appreciate you…want you…desire you.

You have been SO good to me, love…just like I knew you would be. Thank you love for your patience towards me. There is SO much for me to learn…I know it is all normal and natural to you…and it is SO unusual to me. Even the simplest things are different…so it may take me a while. Thank you for working hard to make it as easy as possible and for always thinking ahead to what I will need and what I will like. You are SO considerate, love…it just once again, makes me feel like I have so little to offer. I wish there were some great show of appreciation that I could do…but all I am left with is a simple…”I love you….thank you.” It feels so small, love…I wish I could do more.

Thank you for taking me to the castle….and the walk by the river was SO lovely. I will never forget it. You are SO beautiful to me, love. It is hard not to stare at you…I find myself amazed, just looking at your face….trying to remember WHERE I have seen it and the only conclusion is that it has always been…it has just always been.

I know we both have so much adjusting to do…and yet there is so much between us that just feels natural…old….always. And I know that all the rest will be too…if we just let it…just be US…this is NOT the first time we have done this after all…and so…if we just let it come back to us…it will all be there. Your touches…your caresses are SO wonderful, love. Just the thought of them arouses me…the way you smell, taste…the look of your eyes, the feel of your lips on mine….so soft and sweet.

And so as I sit here writing this…and thinking of all we have share thus far, it brings such a comfort to me…making my mind numb with the wonder and excitement of it all….calming any fears I might have and putting my heart and soul to rest, as I feel the sweet release of sleep begin to come over me…rocking me…taking me to the place that only it can provide. May I ALWAYS be your sleep, love….immer.

Your love, your partner, your wife and yes…your lover…..D

OMG! Here it is! The last TD stateside! WOW! I thought it would never come. I am SOOOO nervous, love. It has been so hard to sleep. I just keep thinking it will be the last time I sleep on this side of the world….okokok…I’ll be back someday…but you know what I mean!

Oh love….everything we have ever wanted is about to come true. I guess I never thought it would. I guess I thought it would be like most other things in my life. It would just be something that I would forever want….something that I would always dream of, but something that would never REALLY happen. It would just be a beautiful dream that would stay that way…just a dream.

But I have since found out that dreams DO come true. Sometimes they do not happen the way you thought. Or in the time that you think they should happen. But they DO come true. Thank you, love for working so hard to make ours a reality. I know you told me many times over the last year…to just enjoy what we had…and I did, love. I enjoyed it SO much. It was all that was keeping me alive. And then you would always follow it by “you never know what might happen in the future.”…and I would always smile and nod. That is usually what I would hear someone tell someone else when they knew there was not a chance in hell of it happening…but they did not want to totally squash that person’s hopes and dreams. Kind of like when you spend your LAST dollar on a lottery ticket and your friend looks at you and says “You never know what MIGHT happen” with a smile on his/her face that all but says “YOU IDIOT! Spend that last dollar on a pack of gum!!” And you grab your lottery ticket and run home to wait for the numbers to post on the television as you hold your lottery ticket close to your chest, your heart pounding in your ears as they begin to call off the numbers. You watch each number closely, your mouth open with anticipation…and not only did you NOT win…you didn’t get ONE number right. And all you can do is stand there and look at the TV wishing you had a stick of gum!

But this time….THIS time, love…I really DID win the lottery! It really DID happen! My mind is blurred with SO many things SO many lasts….my last time to do this or that stateside….and then…there are ALL the firsts! OMG! SO many…and I can feel the butterflies take over inside my stomach and my body feel like it is trembling just a little. The first time I see you…the first time I touch you, the first time I kiss you and of course, the first time we are “together”. And then there is that first cup of coffee! I can still remember crying and crying as I sat at my computer LONGING to have a cup of coffee with you…and I remember asking God in my head if that was SO much to ask for…just ONE cup of coffee….and now…I will have one every morning with you for the rest of my life. I am SOOOOO grateful, love!

I have never been one to make long term plans. I just think that they are most often just a waste of time. And you hear so many people tell you that you will never amount to anything if you plan for nothing. I used to HATE that question in an interview….”Where do you see yourself in 10 years?” I used to want to laugh at the interviewer and say…”Are you serious? Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years??”…but then I knew that they would have it already all planned out…and would tell me exactly where they saw themselves in 10 years. Well….10 years ago…I CERTAINLY did not see myself here…I would have NEVER imagined the things that have happened to me the last year. I guess I was not that big of a dreamer….and yet….I think I always KNEW it would happen too! How is that possible?

All I know is that I don’t know what the next 10 years will bring, but I DO know that I will be with you, love. You are the one constant in my life around which everything else revolves. So, my love….to the next 10 years….and beyond….Immer…..

Your adoring and soon to be REAL wife….D