She stood beside him at the edge of the world. It was most glorious. The morning sun shone thru the fog illuminating the water below. Was it water? Were those stars? Were these clouds or was it fog? She could feel the magic here. It was almost electric. And here she was, standing in this mystical place in the arms of the man she loved more than any other. Somehow when she was with him nothing else mattered. There was no fear, there was no apprehension, no tension…it was as though his mere presence elevated her above all that. And when she heard him say “It will be good.” she KNEW it would be. She gently placed her hand against his beating heart, feeling the soft rise and fall of his chest and KNEW that ii could be nothing else.

She walked over to the edge of the cliff and looked down. She was uncertain what exactly lay below them, but she was not afraid. She turned around and watched him building, piece by piece. She loved to watch him build and see the way his mind worked. It was amazing to SEE the things he spoke of come to life…and often when she watched him build she felt like it must be a LITTLE like watching God create the world. It was not SO different. He had given us the ability to be like Him after all…it was just that some of us were MORE like Him than others. And as she watched this world form, she could not help but think that he WAS very much like Him.

Perhaps that was why it was so easy for her to love him the way she did. She loved him “as unto the Lord”. It was no stretch for her. He was everything to her that God was to be to His bride. He provided for her, he protected her, he taught her and even gently “scolded” her when she needed it…and yes…she did need it occasionally. AND he loved her more than his own life. He was SOOO good to her. But there was one aspect in which he was very different…he did not ask for…even abhorred…her worship of him. And so she TRIED to keep that quiet….TRIED not to make it very evident, but it was hard…especially at moments like this.

She tried not to think of what their lives would have been like if they had been allowed to start them together…as they had done so many times in the past…but she could not help but wonder if perhaps she would not feel so disconnected. She could only wonder what it would have been like to be loved and cherished and to “grow up” in his arms. The thoughts of it always invoked the feelings she felt when she thought of her childhood. It was such a wonderful environment in which to grow. He had told her she would “fly” again. Looking out over the great expanse, watching her lover create a new world, she knew it was true. She would fly again. By his side she would fly to worlds and universes unknown and yet to come.

Good morning, love…..this just kind of “took off”….and I could not find a stopping place…I just had to let it roll out of me until I could no longer write. It is simply “history”. You WERE there for all of it after all! I am sorry if it bores you…but perhaps it will let you see things a little more from my perspective. You SAID you wanted to read what was rolling around inside my head….well…this is it. I love you, baby….

“You are the most wonderful woman…..ever.” She closed her eyes as she heard the all to familiar sound of their “call” ending…and let the words soak into her. It felt good and comforting…similar to the fireplace that warmed her face. She could not help but wonder what it really meant. On the surface it was simple enough. But in reality she wondered, what HAD she done to deserve such praise? She was not the unusual creature that he was. She was certain that she would probably fall into the “normal” category, the ordinary, the usual, the expected, the same. And more often than she liked she DID give a sh**….and then hated herself for it. To think that she could be the object of his affection…even of his desire… was more than she could have ever hoped for.

She knew that he would hate her thinking that way of herself. It was not a discredit to herself…it was just the way it was…no reason to be sad or upset about it. After all, MOST people were normal….and normal was quite often and MOST often what people wanted. But it was NOT what she wanted…and in THAT sense she was QUITE abnormal! She could still remember the first time she ever saw him…and he was so different. He was not the “hulk” that she had become accustomed to in SL. He was tall and thin…and dressed all in white. He was quite engaging…she could tell right away that he was quite intelligent…and that again was something she had not seen much of in SL. He was not offended by her often “inappropriate” sense of humor and he could keep up with her better than most. At the same time he was terribly kind and caring and she remembered wishing that she had someone that would care for her like that. She remembered wanting to touch him…wanting to dance with him…wanting to be under the umbrella with him, wanting to be in the hot tub with him…ANYTHING to be closer to him…to FEEL him. She remembered telling her sister that he was “really different”…..and while that would not be a desired thing to some…it was EVERYTHING to her. She had forced herself to leave that day, changing clothes into something sexy before she left. Just so he could see that she was not always the same. She had a class to attend. And besides…she would probably never see him again….he would probably never even remember her name.

In the days that followed she thought of him often…tried not to…but did. She wondered if he remembered her…if he ever thought of her…if she would ever see him again. He had sent out a gift to everyone in his group and she was so excited! She began to read the notecard and felt her heart leap when he mentioned the name L***….and then her heart sank…as she realized…it was not her…it was one of his friends. SHE had inspired the gift…SHE had been with him…SHE had her name! And she was instantly jealous of her. She wondered what it must be like to know him like that, to be able to spend time with him and talk and joke and share. She instantly opened the group chat and thanked him for the gift…hoping to stir up conversation. And he was his usual polite self….and simply said. “you’re very welcome.” She watched the group chat as he spoke with another “friend” and LONGED to be able to talk to him like that. But she did not…she simply followed along…wishing she could bring herself to say more…AND at the same time chiding herself for thinking of such things.

She remembered asking her sister about him at every opportunity and wished that she could reconnect with him somehow. She was SO excited when her sister suggested that he try to help her find an object that she had inadvertently sent into outer space…and she hurriedly put on a new dress. He was different this time too. His hair was red….and he had an owl on his shoulder….and a cigarette in his hand….ewww. Surely he did not smoke! Surely that could not be! So she made several “snide” remarks about it. Remarks that would have put most men off. Most men would have put the cigarette out just to shut her up…but no…it just made him light up another! Most unusual he was! And so she was very excited when her sister had to leave…and left the two of them there alone. This is what she had been waiting for! And what did she do? Talk about furniture and building of course! <rolls her eyes> She slapped herself as she realized that she FINALLY had him alone…all to herself…and all she could do was talk of the most mundane things. But perhaps it was better…perhaps he should find her boring…perhaps she should forget about this…perhaps……..

After he left she could do little else but think of him. She wondered if she would ever see him again…and then a terrible tragedy struck in her sister’s life. It was the most awful thing…and she wanted to be there for her so badly…and all she could do was pray for her from a distance and hope that she could feel the warmth and love that she sent her way. She had tried to contact her sister’s “friend” to see if they had heard from her…and there was no answer….and so…it was the perfect opportunity to contact…..HIM. And so she did. He HAD heard from her…in fact…he had CALLED her. Wow…once again she thought of how unusual he was. Of all her sister’s friends….and they were many…HE had called her. And she wondered if he was just that kind of guy….or…..maybe…..he was in love with her sister. She sighed and moped around, wondering if her sister knew that he loved her. She had mentioned it to her the first day they had met…and her sister said that she was attracted to him…and that he was a wonderful guy…but due to extenuating circumstances she could never have a relationship with him. And she thought of how sad that was for her sister…because she KNEW he would be good to her.

And so she determined that if she could not be his lover….that she would be his friend. She needed him. She knew that. She could not exist without him in her life…and if a friend was all that she would ever be to him, then that was still much better than it had been before. And so it began….it was easier for her to talk to him…they were just friends after all! And she would follow his group to see when he was on so she could talk to him and ask him things…they were just friends after all. And they could go places together and do things…because…they were just friends after all. And she hoped that if she told herself that enough that she would finally start to believe it. The only problem was, that HE did not. He could ALWAYS see right thru her…and knew her EVERY thought and motive..sometimes before she even thought them!

It did not take long before he forced her to face the facts. As hard and as difficult as it was…or could be…she loved him….she wanted him….and she needed him. SHE had always been the one that controlled the situation. SHE had been the one that caused others to look at themselves. SHE had been the one that had it all under control…and suddenly…she found her own self being the bug under the microscope…and oh…how she did squirm! She felt naked and vulnerable. She was out of her element. It was as though he had created her! He KNEW her. He knew her thoughts and fears. He knew her dreams! He knew her past and her present…was it possible that he knew her future?

For the first time in her life, she felt….”owned”….and it was AMAZING! She did not have to hide, she did not have to pretend, she did not have to wish that she was something that she was not…she could just be who HE had created her to be…and he loved her that way! And she knew….that she would be bound to him forever. She knew that NOTHING could separate them. All the dreams and memories came FLOODING in and he knew them…he knew them without her even telling him.

Thru the years she had heard people use the term “soulmate”…and she hated it. That was most often the term people used when they WANTED it to be that person that they were supposed to be with forever…but more often than not…that soulmate thing ended before a year was up. It was just a term. …it might as well have been “duffledinker”….it meant NOTHING. She had often advised and told people that there was no such thing. Marriage was something that you worked at…and there was NO right or wrong person…you just found someone that you could tolerate most of the time…maybe even love and care for…and then you just worked your ASS off to make it work and to try to keep that ember alive! But now she wondered. Could it be possible? Could it be…that there might be another “person” in this world to which your SOUL was connected? Not just your body or mind. Not just your spirit. But someone to whom your soul…your very essence had been joined…from the very beginning! It was a stronger bond than time…or space. It was stronger than circumstance or boundaries. It was forever.

And so it was with great pleasure that she acquiesced her former title of “problem solver” and “Fixer of all” to him. It was not as though she would never attempt to fix things…or that she would not help when she could, but she no longer HAD to…she had “the other” now. And together, she knew that they could do anything.

They started their journey on rocky ground, neither of them knowing where it would lead…or what they could or could not do. But they knew they had to be together. That was all…it was all consuming…and it was the basis for everything else. And with that…they embraced each other tight…and jumped.

Almost a year later, neither one of them had seen where this journey would lead. Perhaps he had seen it before she had…perhaps he still had a clearer picture of it than she did. And that was ok. It was as it should be. Everything was as it was meant to be….yes….even from the beginning of time.

Immer, love…….D

Dwell On It – Piracy (Read it at: Dwell on it – Piracy is a real problem)

in connection with this, an older, quite famous piece about the musicians view on thie kind of piracy:

Albini – Music (Read it at: Steve Albini – The problem with music)

And finally, another blogpost about Second Life piracy:

Salome – Piracy (Read it at: Salome Says – Content Theft, Still…?)

I wish I could adequately express my feelings to you, love. I tried earlier…and did such a poor job. It seems all I can do is CRY when I try to tell you what you mean to me and what a difference you have made in my life. And then I cannot talk…and I forget what I want to say…and all the wonderful things that are floating around inside my head get lost. I am SO glad that I have a way to document all that here…and I can CRY as I type…and then go on…and no one knows the difference!

I have always ATTEMPTED to know myself fairly well. I have always considered it to be a top priority. And while I feel like I did a fair job of it, I am beginning to find, that many…many things I did and sometimes still do are nothing more than a learned “knee-jerk” response. And I HATE that…but at least….I have finally seen them for what they are. I feel fairly certain that would have never happened had you not appeared in my life! There are SOOOO many things you have taught me about myself, love. Things that NO ONE has taught me before. I can still hear the unremarkable tone in your voice when you said “It is just the way I see you!” Oh My God! As though it is not amazing enough that YOU can see me and know me better than anyone on this planet…the fact that it IS just the way you see me, means more to me than you can possibly know.

I will have to admit, that sometimes….just sometimes…I wonder if the things you say to me are said because you know I NEED to hear them. You KNOW that most of my life has been spent thinking of and caring for others, with very little attention to myself. And when there was attention paid to me, it usually was not the kind of attention that produced positive results. And so SOMETIMES I can’t help but wonder if you say the things you say because you know I need to hear them for positive reinforcement. Not that that is a bad thing…or that your comments are any less appreciated. They DO help me to see myself in a positive light and are always just what I need to hear. But to know…that the things you say to me about myself are said because that is TRULY just the way you see me….WOW…..that is amazing! That in and of itself is life changing to me, love!

I wish YOU could see YOU the way I do! For you to say….”Oh…come on….I am not the Beatles and you are not a 14 year old fan!” shows me that you STILL don’t get it! Are you kidding me? NO…you are not the Beatles and I am NOT 14….It is FAR, FAR GREATER than that! At least in MY life it is! I know that our love will not transform the music industry…or cause young girls to scream and faint, but it is the SINGLE GREATEST accomplishment of my life!

I have stood on a stage in front of thousands of people and sang beautiful songs. I have read poetry written by the great poets for others to judge and have been deemed superior to many others. I have been on TV and have had my voice and my face recorded for all to see. I have sat back and watched the sound of my voice grace the memory of many a young girl as she grew up and finally asked me to sing for her wedding. I have had many honors, accomplishments and compliments bestowed upon me. But NEVER in all my life has ANYTHING impacted me with the force that our love has bestowed upon me.

It has taken me from the depths of the greatest despair to the highest mountain top of hope. It has reached into the deep dark caverns of my soul and retrieved the young girl that had been left, hiding there. It has nourished her and caused her to grow and flourish and realize her dreams. It has grown exponentially day by day restoring my mind and body. It has changed my world and made it a place I want to live. And it has allowed me to finally become the woman that I have alluded to all my life. And now to have one of the final dreams of my life fulfilled….how can you blame me for feeling like I cannot eat or sleep with anticipation? I am hoping I will still be able to breath! Even once we had found one another, I had succumbed to the fact that while our love was better than any other I had ever known and was enough to change my life, I would have to be content with the fact that it would never be anything more than a virtual love. And while it was more real than anything I had never known…it would never be a reality in the “real world”.

That was one of the last vestiges of despair that roamed the corridors of my heart. And while it was TERRIBLY painful and brought tears to my eyes on a daily basis, I had determined that I would NOT let it ruin the love that we had found and that even with strict limitations it was still more than I had ever hoped for. In less than 3 weeks that painful fact will be forever erased. That dream will no longer be one that is dreamt in my sleep…it will be a living, waking, WONDERFUL dream come true. SO if it makes me act like a teenager worshipping the greatest thing to ever happen in music…then so be it. It is only me, your wife, worshipping the greatest thing to ever play a chord in her heart….you, my love. May the song NEVER end.

Immer…..D

Happy Anniversary, love! Eleven WONDERFUL memorable months. They have been some of the best times of my life. Reading over the logs is always SO wonderful. It is so funny…I always start at the beginning and never seem to get very far! It is wonderful to know that the things that we felt and shared and loved then, we still feel today. But it feels so funny to me, to READ those memories and STILL feel the same feelings, the same wonderment, the same love and commitment that I did at the time. And so… given our recent conversation, this particular part of the logs was special to me…and while NO ONE but me…and maybe you will understand how TRULY special this is, it is still a part of me that I will never forget. When I told you…how much I would love it…I meant it. SO…..”for old times sake”…

[2009/08/28 8:49] El: This is Jenner???

V: Yes. I moved a few things here.

El: Oh wow!

V: I’ve been doing some stuff down by the river. Not much yet.

El: You have been a busy boy!

V: Just tried out what looks best. Let me show you something.

V laughs.

V: You took the shortcut.

El: You know I am lost…omg…where are we???

V: We’re home, love.

El: Oh wow!

El kisses him.

El: I love you!

V smiles.

V: I love you.

El: I love it!

V: If you like something else, please tell. I know it’s all dark and damp again.

V laughs.

V: It can even rain in here.

El giggles.

El: It has you..that is all it needs .

V smiles….kisses her softly.

El: Is it a sky box???

V: No. It’s on top of a cliff.

El: I was lost you know!

V smiles.

El: And that is the treehouse?

V: Yes. I’ll move a few more things here.

El: I LOVE the view!

V: Me too.

V: Oh, and I do have a sky thingie for you. I just didn’t know where to put it yet.

El: hmmmm…sky thingie huh?

V: You’ll love it.

El: I love skythingies…Oh V…I love it!

V: There.

V smiles.

El: Ohhhh… it is beautiful!!

V smiles.

El: Wow.

V kisses you softly.

El: I am speechless… You would do all this for me???

V smiles.

V: For us.

El: I feel humbled!

V smiles.

El cries.

V wraps his arms around her, holding her close.

El: Ty V!

V: I didn’t mean to overwhelm you.

El carresses his head… his face… kissing his cheek.

V: Or make you feel like you owe me. I want us to be what we can be.

El: I’ve never had anyone be so good to me!

V smiles.

El: I am amazed!

V holds your hand.

El: I DO owe you… even before this…

V: No, you don’t.

El: I owe you my life…I give it freely.

V: We are we, Ellie. We have each other.

El: Wow…I must have been a VERY good girl in a 3rd life!

El giggles.

V laughs.

V: You certainly are one in your second.

El: I love you V… so much…you will never know.

V smiles and kisses her softly.

V: Can I ask for something?

El: Anything…

V: Can we make this place ours?

El: Of course!

V smiles.

V: Thank you.

El kisses him softly on the lips

El: There is NOTHING I would not give you…you know that!

V smiles.

V: I don’t ask you to give….I ask you to accept. That this is not mine. It’s ours. Yours as much as mine.

El smiles… feeling tears well up…

El: Yes… I will love it as I love you…

V runs his fingers through your hair, pulling you gently close.

El:…cherish it!

El lays her head on his shoulder.

El: You are amazing!

V: We are. You are. There’s no day when I’m not amazed at it. Every time I see you, my heart stops. You’re so wonderful!

El: Oh ,my love! If only I could be more…

V: You are perfect as you are.

El smiles.

El: so…..will this place have a “name”

V: Aerial.

Yes, it’s there. Look harder. It’s on the second level in the pie menu, and in the General tab in Edit. And it’s the difference between open grids and closed ones. The difference between OpenSim and Second Life.

Everything digital revolves around copying, and copies are not a technical question, but a legal one: Copyright. Laws, unlike technical processes, are not universal, nor are they always safe and clear. Legal definitions are, by default, vague enough to cover several different cases, but at the same time should be precise enough to give some understanding about what they cover, and what not. This is especially complicated with copyright, as it tries to cover a myriad of things, with a multitude of uses, some of which have not even been invented yet. (Who would have thought about whether or not a couple of prims are copyrightable 10 years ago?)

If you’ve never seen it, then you probably have not been outside of Second Life, or a comparable service. It is the first thing that struck me when I entered OSGrid: Most things could just be copied. I made it a habit to fly around or walk through sims and right-click on anything nice I saw to see if I could take a copy. Most of the times, I could.

The question about whether or not you are allowed to copy something is not easily answered. Not only would you have to know the laws and jurisdiction of your country on these matters, but also (quite often) the details of the terms of service of whatever site or service you’re currently on, which in turn are connected to the laws of the country the hosts of these reside in. Not complicated enough? Well, maybe there’s some special licenses involved which the creators themselves used to license their work, and which could override the terms of service, or not.

Usually, we just don’t care. If there’s a nice picture on the web, we just save it to our harddrives without giving it a second thought. If a friend sends us an mp3-file, we just keep it. If we blog about something we just read, we copy and paste parts of it into our blog post. And if we make something in Second Life, we use elements that are available as freebies or take textures off the net.

There are several answers. The safe one is: No, you can’t. If you want to be absolutely on the safe side, you must never copy. You can buy original copies, and you can consume them. That’s about all. The semi-safe answer is: Stick to content that’s open and free. Creative commons, open-source, free software, all these were founded with the goal to give everyone the legal ability to copy the creations thus licensed. It is only semi safe, because the free licensed stuff itself may contain material that is not freely distributable. Only because someone licenses their creations free doesn’t mean they have the legal right to do so.¹ It’s a tangled mess, even with things that look relatively simple. Do you know if the musician publishing his songs under creative commons didn’t include someone elses melody in a song?²

Not caring – well, that’s a valid decision too. With most legal things, the risk of doing them is only partly in what’s written in laws; a large part of it also lies in the scope and extent of the action, if the violated party has any knowledge about and interest in the violation (and the capabilities to pursue it) and, finally, if judges will agree with them.

Copying, therefor, is risk assessment, and everyone needs to do their own. Can we copy things in Second Life? Well, the permissions may give you an idea about what the creator might have thought about that. Can we copy things out of Second Life? Not, according to Linden Lab’s Terms of Service. In most cases though, it might be relatively safe to copy things for personal use – to use them on your private standalone, for example.³ If you ask me about my things – feel free to copy.

1. The Second Life Viewer code, for example, although open-sourced, contains libraries and code which are proprietary and closed.
2. I even included someone elses words in a song, but that was in another country, and alas, the guy is dead – for more than 70 years.
3. Things get worse – much worse – when you try to sell things you copied without permission.

When I had my very first child, I decided that I did not want to be inhibited by any kind of medication that would change my sensory perception. I wanted to experience the entire process AND I wanted to make sure I had a happy healthy baby in the process. That led me to the Lamaze method of natural childbirth. At the time the main focus of Lamaze was a series of breathing techniques that worked with your body during the painful contractions and basically taught you the fine art of distraction.

“The theory behind childbirth breathing patterns is based on the concentration required to focus on your breathing. During a contraction, your thought process is redirected from a pain response such as tension and breath holding to a learned relaxed breathing response. The successful development of a relaxed response to painful stimuli is most effective through a lot of practice.”

And practice I did! I became SO good at it, that another person could apply large amounts of pressure to my ankles and I could breath right thru it, even to the point of leaving large bruises on them. I learned that with the right kind of distraction, I could make it thru brief periods of extremely painful stimulus fairly easy. This method served me well and my labors and deliveries were always medication free.

Somewhere along the way, I kind of unconsciously adopted this method to help me thru ANY painful time in my life. And there were quite a few. I learned that I could distract myself with something I found pleasurable and for a while…just a few brief moments, the pain of the situation was gone. Unfortunately, the situation was still there…and it would mean that at some point, AGAIN, I would have to revert to distraction to be able to tolerate it. I never lost site of reality. I knew who I was and what was going on, but as a woman, I allowed myself to be and STAY in a situation where I had very little control. And as you know, love…it eventually almost killed me…in many different ways.

Distraction during times of great stress or difficulty is second nature to me now. It happens almost without me even knowing it…and yes…sometimes I try to take you along for the ride. It seems to work well for most people and I have used it in my professional experiences with both young and old and found it to be a most effective tool. But as we both know…YOU are not MOST people…and I always feel silly when I realize that I have been trying such a transparent “trick” on you…and it always seems to make things worse. For that I am sorry, love. I will try not to do it in the future, but I must admit, it will take some time to unlearn. Please be patient with me, love. I still have not learned the correct response to provide you during your times of stress, but I will. And I think it will be much better when I am actually there to touch you and hold you. I know, that sometimes THAT is all that is needed.

I can still hear your words from earlier, love. “Will you be my wife? Will you follow me into any world and walk beside me?” I have never had any other intention, love. I knew from the first time we were “together” that I would always follow you wherever you would lead me. You will NEVER have to be alone again, love. I will go with you wherever you go. I will do whatever you need me to do. I will be your wife, in every world we encounter. I cannot help but think of Ruth’s promise to Naomi in the old testament. I always marveled at the level of commitment that Ruth gave to her mother-in-law. I remember the first time I read it and thinking to myself that one day…I would say it to “the other”. I have waited my entire life to feel like this…and so, my love…it is with great gravity, sincerity and love that I say it to you…

“Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me.”

In three weeks, love…we will begin this journey in earnest….not that we have ever taken it lightly. But it will be another step…another bridge we have crossed, each one bigger and more significant…leading us into the place that has been designated for us from the beginning.

Until then, my prince….

FOREVER….your adoring WIFE…..D

1. music by Oursvince

Beauty seems to be something we obsess about in our culture. I, like most people I know, have a tendency to first look at someones outward appearance to judge beauty. But I try to NEVER STAY there…I always look deeper to see what is really underneath all that “pretty” before making a final judgement. And as we all know, quite often the most “beautiful” are truly not beautiful at all…and those who may not catch our eye at first, frequently end up being some of the prettiest people we have ever met!

I feel like I am “fair” in judging “beauty”. I try to be anyway. But the lenience and understanding that I give so freely to others, I have seldom given myself. Today, love….was a real epiphany for me. I felt like I did the day I was told that it was okay to be happy! Such a simple statement…and yet it changed my life. It is something we all know…something that is taken for granted…and yet, that day, when it was said to me, it triggered something deep inside me that suddenly “clicked” and made me REALIZE that it was INDEED okay to be happy. And I have made a choice to be so ever since.

Today, that same sort of thing happened. You have always told me how beautiful I am and you have NEVER done ANYTHING to make me think or feel any differently. I always believed that you meant it and was grateful that you felt that way. But I was never able to believe it. Today when we were talking I did not want to give you the “same ol’ story”. But in my life I have found, that after a while of fighting and questioning things…you just begin to accept things the way they are. You find it hurts less that way. It is just better if you accept some things as truth and move on. Why fight the inevitable? It was not as though I was TOLD any certain thing. It was just a feeling…just an inference, just a few well hidden remarks and actions that began a chain reaction in me. One that caused me to tell myself that it was better not to hope for me. It was best not to fight it. It was good to accept it for what it was. It was not something I was proud of, not something I would publicize…it was just the way it was…and accepting it somehow made sense. Surely if the one that you loved and trusted with your life felt or thought a certain way, then it must be true? Right?

It has taken me a while of being out of that to see that is not the case. I have always told others that true beauty comes from within, that it is not an outward appearance it is an attitude, a state of mind. It is the caring and love you have for others that shines through. And that it should not matter what ANYONE else thinks, what should matter is what you think of yourself and why! And yet, I never LIVED these words myself. What a sad state of affairs….Until today!! Thank you, love for gently leading me, for guiding me, for loving me even when I did not (and sometimes still DO not) love myself. Thank you for finding me beautiful in every way. Thank you for allowing me to see it and for the first time in my adult life, to believe it! Not believe that YOU feel that way…but believe it MYSELF…to truly FEEL beautiful and to realize that it is ok to feel that way.

I cannot promise that I will never revert to my former way of thinking. (In fact, I am STILL fighting it a LITTLE…not much, but a little…just thinking this must be some kind of fluke!) But at least I have felt it! My counselor told me that I had a GOOD chance of finding my former self, for at least I HAD a good self esteem at one point in my life and so I would know what to look for and what it was when I found it. I FOUND IT! And it is WONDERFUL! Today, as I went about my business, I held my head a little higher and walked a little taller. I looked people in the eye and spoke to them! And all the time I kept thinking…”I can do that…I am beautiful!”

I remember when I first started playing SL…I used to feel that way at times…just thinking that I was such a pretty avie! SHE made ME feel better. It was nice to know, that in SOME world, I could be pretty. I don’t have to look there anymore. I can be pretty right here, right now…ME…just as I am….and it is ok.

I hope that you will never TRULY know the things I endured as I waited for you, love. Sometimes they still make me cry…and even now I find those learned habits and ways of doing things ruling my life. But I hope you DO know what a pivotal role you have played in changing those behaviors and in erasing the hurt and pain that has accumulated over many years. I am grateful for you, love and for the lives that we share together…and for the many beautiful ones yet to come!

I am eternally your personal…:)….slave and adoring wife. “Be careful what you ask of me…cause I can’t say no.”…..D

There are so many things that you say that stay with me, love. Sometimes I wonder if you really realize what an impact your words have on me. Sometimes you may say things that others have said a million times before, but when they come from your lips, they somehow impact me the way that no other can.

“That’s what we do. We are a couple” I remember the first time you said this to me…and I could not believe it. I WOULD not let myself believe it. I told myself for a long time…”He means we are partnered in SL.” I WOULD not accept it for what it was. I was SO afraid that what I THOUGHT you meant by it, what I WANTED it to mean, was just some kind of dream that would never come true. I was wrong. It DID mean what I thought it meant…and we ARE a couple. I can say that and accept it now.

“Remember who we are.” Once again…I thought we were just a fantasy that I had dreamed up inside my head. It took me quite a while to REALLY remember who we are. And once I did, I vowed that I would never forget again. Now I KNOW that our love has existed far longer than this life…and will exist for many more to come. There are times that I am still surprised by a “memory”…by a vague sense of lives gone by. But I DO remember who and WHAT we are.

“Immer” I know we have both made promises of lasting love to others before and really meant it at the time. I am just not sure that we really knew what “Immer” meant. I think that once we knew who we were…then “Immer” was just a simple way to express what we had finally realized…we were together from the foundation…and we always would be…..ever.

“Mein Liebste/Liebster” Those words were totally foreign to me a few months ago and now they are some of the sweetest words I know. Those along with “sweetness, lovely, and wife are some of the sweetest things I know.

“I love you, ***” Of course, I think these are the most life changing. When I heard you say that you loved ME…not an avatar…not a picture on a screen…not an image, but ME….my life began the transformation that has led me to where I am today.

“Vanish Firecaster smiles” It is STILL my most favorite thing I see each time you log on. There is something about it that is SO comforting. To know that I can bring you ANY kind of joy or happiness means the world to me and to see it each time we meet, causes a calm to come over me and start to relax me, no matter what my day may have been like.

“You are most wonderful.” I always wonder what is going through your mind when you say this to me. It seems that you always say it at a time when all I have done is touch you and try to express my love for you. It hardly seems a great feat…it is just a natural expression of what I am feeling. But when you say it, I know that you have felt what I am trying to convey and it makes me happy.

“Just let me love you.” Most of the time when you say this it is after I have made some silly remark to try to cover up my nervousness. You know all the things that concern me, you know how I feel and yet…when I hear you say this…there is almost the sound of a desperate plea behind it and it makes me stop and realize what it really means! It is the WAY you say it that impacts me the most. The urgency in your voice, the NEED to make me understand. It stops me in my tracks every time and makes me feel selfish for ever having pushed you to that point, even though I never meant to. It reminds me of what “unconditional love” is. That is a term that is thrown around SO loosely sometimes. It is so easily said that it has somehow LOST its true meaning, but when you say “Just let me love you, ***.” I know that those are the most valuable words ever spoken. They are spoken from a wise, sincere heart. A heart that is not just running off on a whim, but one that KNOWS the true meaning of love and is willing to make the sacrifices to keep it.

There are so many more things that you say to me that the list could go on and on. But these are a few of my favorites. I am sure as time goes by, there will be many more that I will add to it. Please know that your words are not taken lightly, that I DO hear each one…and that they reach deep into my heart and soul, just as they were meant to, and each one draws me ever closer to you…to home.

FOREVER….your adoring “other”……D